Becoming through His Grace

At the beginning of my mission, I felt that my success came as a result of doing. While that is true in part, and action is needed to be successful, Heavenly Father cares much more about who we are becoming. Consider this quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “From such teachings we conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become” (The Challenge to Become, Dallin H. Oaks).

            As I evolved as a missionary, I began to understand these words from Elder Oaks and clung to them. I was by no means a perfect missionary. I do not think there has ever been a perfect missionary save Jesus Christ. However, I learned that regardless of my success with outward measurements (baptisms, lessons, etc.), the Lord cares more about how I treat others and serve them. As Preach My Gospel states in chapter one, “You can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when you feel the Spirit working through you.”

            I believe the same is true of repentance and becoming more repentant. The Lord does not keep a tally of the number of times we mess up. However, I do believe that He is very aware of the condition of our hearts and how willing we are to turn unto Him and repent again.

            Like all human beings, I struggle with making the same mistakes over and over. As I have progressed spiritually throughout my life, I have noticed that the number of times I commit these specific sins has decreased. I feel that as I have been more aware of this goal, I am more committed to keeping it because I love my Heavenly Father. I want to become like Him. I desire, more than anything, to live with Him and with my eternal family in the Celestial Kingdom one day. I realize that in order to get there, I do not have to be perfect, but a certain amount of effort on my part is required.

            A favorite talk of mine is “His Grace is Sufficient,” by Brad Wilcox. Brother Wilcox explains that when we repent, we are not paying the demands of justice. Jesus Christ already did that. Because of His sacrifice, we will all be resurrected, and we will all be able to live forever. “What is left to be determined by our obedience is what kind of body we plan on being resurrected with and how comfortable we plan to be in God’s presence and how long we plan to stay there."

            I had never thought of repentance this way. I am not trying to ‘pay my way’ into Heaven. I am simply trying to become the best saint I can so that I can be with my Father in Heaven and my family. Plus, Brother Wilcox says that “the miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can live after we die but that we can live more abundantly.”

            Over the past few months, I have thought about why I am trying to better myself and improve. I’ve decided that it is because I am happiest when I am living the gospel. I feel most fulfilled when I am progressing forward, moving closer to my Heavenly Father.

            There are others who simply choose not to live the way Heavenly Father would hope. While that is sad, we all have the choice to act. Brother Wilcox says of individuals in this situation, “Heaven will not be heaven for those who have not chosen to be heavenly.”

            So many times I have thought to myself, “If only I were better, I would make it into the celestial kingdom.” But I am not meant to check every item off of a checklist to make it into heaven. I need to continue to change my heart, be quick to repent, and quick to resist sin.

           Brad Wilcox states: 

“In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus.

Jesus checks His clipboard and says, “Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.”

Brad begs Jesus, “Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.” That’s how I always saw it.

But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”’

            I have a testimony of repentance. I have felt the Lord’s Atonement changing me for the better as I have sincerely prayed to be changed. I want to be with Him, and become like Him. I desire to dedicate my life to His work so that I can have a place with Him in the eternities. Not because I have ‘earned’ it, but because I feel comfortable in His presence. Because I have fought to change amidst the challenges of mortal life.

            I see repentance as a more joyful process now, and not a burden. It is such a gift to be able to change and progress for the better. I love my Savior, and I will try to show that better as I live my life. 

In our brokenness

"Perfect people don't need a Savior." 

The words entered my heart and remained, filling my soul with light, love and warmth. Although they were spoken clearly, I couldn't yet decipher what they meant for me personally.

It was as if my heart had come home; hearing the words that it had yearned for for so long.

Week after week I have attended church, making it a very important routine in my life. However, today was different. God knew exactly what I needed and how to give it to me, in a way that I would accept. He always does. But today, my heart was finally ready to receive it.

How many times have I heard, "The Savior loves you perfectly, He knows what hurts your heart" and thought, "Maybe for other people, but not for me. I've got to get through this life by my own strength and grit."

But today, I felt that He does indeed love me perfectly, and I know that He knows what hurts my heart. He knows what my fears are as I embark into new stages of life, and He knows the outcome of my story.


My fears are still very real, and my trials still exist. But it helps to be reminded that even though the Savior is not a woman, somehow He still understands what it is like to be in my shoes. He comprehends each woman's sorrows, fears, failures, joys, and challenges. And He has made a way for all of us to make it through and return home to Him. He wants me to rely on Him. And I need to rely on Him, more than ever before.

This is the quote that touched my heart, and opened it again to the Savior's warmth and love:

"We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don't experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced Napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not also know and recognize. On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy. He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion. His last recorded words to his disciples were, "And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20) He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years. He knows all that. He's been there. He's been lower than all that. He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. 

He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our 

guilt and our grief."

-Chieko N. Okazaki-

On Being Enough

1/05/16

I will be enough when...

I run a marathon

I graduate with a 4.0 GPA

I weigh what I did in high school

I'm married to the perfect man

My clothes are trendy and stylish every day

I have no cellulite on my legs or pimples on my face

My hair grows out to the length I want

I can be financially secure in everything

I am accepted and approved of by everyone

Welcome to Aubrey's continuous train of thought. It is a serious challenge to not allow society to make me feel less than due to my physical appearance, achievements (or lack thereof), or material possessions. No matter what I achieve, society throws in my face lists of things that I have yet to accomplish.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9/20/16

Aside from being married to a wonderful man, I haven't achieved any of that list up there.  

*I left this post unfinished because I couldn't find the words to do so. Above are the thoughts of a twenty-one year old girl who didn't understand that she already was enough. And at twenty-two, she still is.

I am enough because

I am a daughter of the Most High God.

I have divinity inside me and the potential to become as He is. 

I desire to improve, and on the days that I fail miserably, that desire remains. 

My worth is not defined by the standards of the world. 

I have unique gifts and talents, even if I do not always realize them.

My Savior Jesus Christ believes in me and helps me up every time I fall. 

My Father trusts me to be a wife and a mother in this uncertain world. 

On my worst days and my best days and every day in between, my identity does not change. My worthiness does not determine my worth. 


Now, nine months can make an insurmountable impact on one's perspective. However, while I have been working at seeing myself as the second version of 'enough,' there are still plenty of hard days. Days where I cry to my husband because I want to be a better cook, house cleaner, sewer, master of productivity, and a more fun, spiritual, and beautiful wife for him. 

Thankfully, I have a wonderful, understanding husband who realizes that I am still growing and progressing. I am so grateful for his kindess and love. 

Besides, it is absolutely ridiculous to expect myself to do it all, and to do it all right now. But I do what I can. Rather, we do what WE can. Me, him, and God. And together, we are stronger than apart. We still don't get everything done. Our home is not always spotless. Sometimes my meals burn or don't turn out quite right. I often would rather read and write blog posts than do my online school work. I'm not always thrilled to do all that I am expected to do. 

But this I have learned: On our good days, and our bad days, we are children of a merciful, loving Father. He loves us whether the lasagna turned out just right or the pizza is burnt. He loves us when we achieve our goals and when we do not. And more than that, He love us in all the in betweens. And His love is what motivates me to get back up, and try again. 

We are a process, and in the grand scheme of eternity, there are no deadlines. 

In eternity, there is "to try or not to try." There is "I will accept my identity as a child of God, and continually try to live that way," or "I will deny my infinite value and worth to Him by wanting to live up to impossible worldly standards, instead of accomplishing who HE wants me to be." 

I personally believe that we each have very different, distinct paths to walk. And while our paths will cross with others, we do not need to look at their path and try to do what they are doing. Because we were not meant to be them, we were meant to be us. 

As I turn to my Heavenly Father and ask Him what He would have me do, I am much less worried about what others expect of me. I can be confident in the fact that I am really trying to please Him and become who I am meant to be on this Earth and in the life to come. 

There is always hope.

Aubrey 



“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” 
― Brené Brown

Less really is more

Buy this, buy that. 

You can't be beautiful or attractive without it. Go ahead, you deserve it. Just swipe your card.

Since a young age, I have been taught in the consumer world that bigger is in fact better, and more truly means more. 

However, frugality and thrift have proven time and time again this simple truth:

Less really is more.

It is beneficial to both the individual and the family to save, to avoid and eliminate debt, and to prepare for times of need that will, not may, come.

This quote from Elder L. Tom Perry sums up quite nicely the dilemma we live in today:

"The current cries we hear coming from the great and spacious building tempt us to compete for ownership in the things of this world. We think we need a larger home, with a three-car garage, a recreational vehicle parked next to it. We long for designer clothes, extra TV sets, the latest model computers, and the newest car. Often these items are purchased with borrowed money, without giving any thought to providing for our future needs. The result of all this instant gratification is overloaded bankruptcy courts and families that are far too preoccupied with their financial burdens."

Living within my means in college has taught me that the clothes, electronics, and other purchases that I so desperately want, are not what i need. 

Most importantly, I've learned that these things do not bring lasting peace. While a new toy or delicious burger may be nice to have in the moment, they will not heal my heart or help me progress on to bigger and better things. 

This is not to say that we should avoid purchasing anything or never allow ourselves to be treated. However, using discretion is important in deciding what to purchase and when. Making sure I have the funds to buy what I need first before satisfying my wants creates a greater sense of peace and security in my life and diminishes fears.

I have learned that the three most loving words are “I love you,” and the four most caring words for those we love are “We can’t afford it" - Robert D. Hales 

The Beginning of Better Days

I've been here before. 

It's painfully familiar. The sting of past heartbreak chills and captivates me. It's a dangerous place to be, but I stay for a little while anyway. Maybe it will be different this time, I tell myself, knowing all too well that it will not, cannot be.

Here comes the shame. The shame of knowing that I deserve more. The shame of knowing that this 'black key' in my life's composition has already been played many times, and I am in desperate need of a new melody.

I try to convince myself that I do not feel; I do not want to feel.The raw fear, sadness, and anger threaten to invade. I refuse to let them. I refuse to feel.

It's just easier not to. 

One of the best and worst parts of being human is feeling. Inexplicable joy, inescapable sorrow, undesirable anger. The feeling of being unwanted, used, or lied to.

But also feeling so loved and accepted in ways you've never felt before, that you didn't even think were possible. 

Why are we so afraid to feel? We distract ourselves mercilessly with small screens, big screens, to-do lists, parties, all to escape the possibility of feeling something, ANYTHING, that could scar us emotionally. 

By doing so, we keep ourselves from enjoying the other side of the spectrum. We're so preoccupied avoiding hurt that we don't allow ourselves to experience joy, acceptance, and love. 

We miss the rain on our skin, the smell of the autumn air, laughter of those we love, a gentle touch, a kind word. It's all too bad, really. We spend our time comparing our seemingly unfulfilled lives to other's perfect pictures which are not an accurate representation of real life.  

Ever seeking the latest trends, popularity, and accomplishments that society promises will bring us happiness, we spend time, money, and energy on these gimmicks. In the end they leave us alone, unfulfilled, less than content. 

True value comes from things that allow us to feel. Relationships with those we love, open and honest conversations, comforting another heart and being comforted ourselves.  

We live in a world of opposites. It was meant to be this way. Only when we come to know sadness can we know completely the joy that we were intended to feel.

So I've decided that i'm going to allow my heart to FEEL. Really, truly feel. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Will it hurt sometimes? Yes. Do I have to like that it hurts? No. Definitely not.

Will I be tempted to run away from anything and everyone that could potentially hurt me? 

Yes. 


I'm so tired of running. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay when it's not. I'm tired of suppressing every negative emotion just because it's not 'acceptable' by social standards to feel sad, or angry, or lonely, or confused. 

Let's be game changers. Remember that feeling something negative doesn't make you unworthy, it makes you human. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Allow yourself to feel your way through it; don't suppress anything. Cry, listen to music, write, go for a walk, talk with someone you trust, and thank God that He has given you the privilege to feel.

You are valiant. You are powerful. You are changing. Look ahead with a desire to truly live, to face life head on, without running the other way.

And then realize that this is the beginning of better days to come.  



"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." 

-Oscar Wilde-

There is always hope.

Aubrey

All of these feelings deserve to be heard and validated.
This is one of my all time favorite movies, by the way:) 

Uncertain Goodbyes

Uncertain Goodbyes

By Aubrey Kay Sperry 

Here we are; we have arrived.

I always knew this day would come,

But pushed away the fear I hide.

Your voice quivers, my eyes release a tear.


You kiss my cheek,

Run your hand through my hair.

You turn to leave, not wanting to go.

I would go with you,

But you need to do this alone.


Your heart aches for peace,

Your mind for clarity.

I pray you find all that you seek,

And someday return to me.


This is my simple wish,

Is it too much to ask?

If so please forgive my request,

I will not dream impossible tasks.


In your absence I will grow,

I will become strong and new.

Like the fresh December snow,

My heart will heal anew.


It all seems so final to me,

Your lips say "Goodbye,"

But your eyes show great uncertainty.


Perhaps it is this uncertain goodbye

That will give me hope when days are sad.

I'll remember when you looked at me,

And your eyes said, "Until we meet again." 


Farewell my dear friend,

My love, and confidant.

I will wait until summers' end,

When time has run its course.

And after a time,

When the sun has melted the snow,

Perhaps our uncertain goodbye

Will become an unexpected "Hello."

But if not, He is still Good.

My name is Aubrey. I love music, playing the piano, and singing. Lacrosse and volleyball are my favorite sports. I adore Brazil and the Portuguese language. My family and close friends are very important to me. Laughing is one of my favorite things. I make the most of life. I am a good student and work hard in all I do. I love the gospel and feel God's love for me in many ways.

All of these things are true. 
But there is someone else I want you to meet. 

My name is Aubrey. I love music, but I don't sing or play the piano very much anymore. I still love sports but my tiredness inhibits me from playing often. My family and close friends are my world, but sometimes I'd rather not be with them; I'd rather be on my own where I don't bother anyone. I don't laugh as much as I used to, and sometimes it seems forced. It's hard to be motivated in school, especially when I feel pressure to be perfect. I wish I could feel God's love more in my life. I know He is there but I can't always feel Him.

This girl is conflicted with two sides to her that are unbelievably different. She rarely, if ever, lets others see the second side. To her, that is a weakness. She doesn't understand why, with every reason to be happy, she's just not. Or why, in a room filled with people who love her, she feels completely alone. Why can she not get up on time or fall asleep at a decent hour? Why won't she just let people in?

Is she a broken daughter and sister? Where is the light and zest for life she so often used to feel? For awhile she acts as though all is well; she's good at that. Slowly she begins to isolate herself from all things and people she loves. Nothing interests her anymore. She begins to believe that the world would be better off without her. Who wants an ugly, worthless, tired, negative girl around?

Of course these thoughts are toxic and untrue. But her mind cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not. Negative thoughts, mostly of herself, invade her mind. At times it seems she is literally not in control and that scares her.

Her health begins to worsen, due to lack of sleep, poor eating and exercise habits, and stress. Some days she can barely find the motivation to get out of bed. Everything becomes a chore. She is sick and can't figure out why.

She searches for love in all the wrong places; in the blonde-haired blue-eyed boy on the football team, who didn't care in the end. She tells herself, If only I were skinnier, with longer hair and better clothes, he would change his mind. He would love me," and "If only I could do better in school and extra-curricular activities I would be acceptable. I would be enough."

She will never measure up, never be 'enough' with these expectations. She pushes herself to the limit anyway, unrealistic expectations of perfection her guide.

There are ups and downs from age 14 to 20. But nearing her 21st birthday, she hit a low that she didn't know was possible. She had tried to go it alone and put on her usual show that everything was fine, but this time, it's different. Her physical and mental health are the worst they'd been. She has no desire to pray or read her scriptures. She hasn't touched a piano or lacrosse stick for months. More and more of her time is spent alone; sleeping, on the internet, crying in silence, away from those who love her most. She feels empty inside nearly all the time, as if a cloud envelopes her wherever she goes.

So she made a decision. 

A scary one. 

She would ask for help. 

It was intimidating and humiliating. Sometimes it still is.

But she realized that God did not intend for His daughter (or any of His children) to live forever in sadness, fear, or darkness.

She is diagnosed with clinical depression. 

It's terrifying.

She immediately goes into denial: "No. No no no no no no. People like me don't have this. No, not me."

Her thoughts almost convince her, until life becomes so completely unbearable without help that she surrenders.

So she lets herself be a little more open to love, and to healing.

She hates the idea of needing to be 'treated.' It makes her feel like she is defective, weak, and abnormal.

However, every day she learns repeatedly to accept help.

Lifestyle changes begin to take place. Exercise becomes one of the greatest joys and helps. Eating healthier, forcing herself to get out but to also take better care of herself. More sleep, less Facebook. More good talks with those that care about her, less time alone with negative thoughts.

She realizes that life is still good, and she can still be happy.

There will probably still be some dark days and sad moments.

But it's okay. 

Because she's learning to help others on their journey, which she hadn't expected.

She has a deeper perspective, greater compassion, empathy, and above all, 

Perhaps she is experiencing, in a very small way, a piece of what her Savior experienced so long ago in Gethsemane and on Calvary.

When she pauses to look outside of herself, she can see how He has carried her and she loves Him more deeply for it. It is through this trial that she feels His love more profoundly and helps others to feel it as well. 

This is my black key.

A necessary, painful, beautiful part of my life's melody. It has taught me so much.

I am so grateful for it. 

I am learning what it means to "make weak things become strong."

It's not that God has taken away my trial or weakness, but I have learned to lean on Him through it and use what I'm learning to help OTHERS.

There is something so beautiful about that to me; we can relate to others who struggle and suffer, and give them hope that

It gets better. 

I love my Savior. I know He lives. I know that He is walking with us if we let Him, and carrying us when we need Him to.

Perhaps Heavenly Father will take our trials away in this life. Perhaps not. 

But if not, He is still good. 

Life is still worth living.

Black keys and all.

There is always, always hope.
                                                                                                                                                                            
Aubrey