 |
| Every day we do “quiet time” after lunch and Claire had set up a whole little store in her room. It was the best |
Why I Write
It's amazing how sitting down to write with a cozy blanket, calm music, and laptop instantly calms me. My hands on this keyboard is one of my favorite things. I've been wondering about why that is, and I've narrowed it down to a few reasons:
1. This is a way I can create, and share what I'm creating. I believe that we are all born to create. We do, in fact, come from the greatest Creators of all. Our Heavenly Parents and Savior are Divine Creators and we carry that divinity within us. There are limitless ways to create: baking, writing, music, art, web design, encouraging others, and on and on and on. Writing is one of my favorite ways to use the divine desire to create within me. So when I sit down to write, I'm fulfilling that drive.
2. It helps me process. I have so much going on inside my head and writing it out helps me process and make sense of it. I've heard before that just writing in a journal or typing out your feelings can be therapeutic, and I believe that to be true. You don't have to keep what you write, in fact it may be healing to burn the letter/throw it away, especially if they're hurtful or something you're trying to let go of. But also, it can be powerful to reflect on how far you've come and also fun to look back on the time that you wrote something. That's been my experience, anyway.
3. It adds stillness to my life, which I am craving more and more of. My words for 2023 were stillness, peace, and embrace. Since adding a third child, I've needed that focus more than ever.
Alright, now that I've processed that, onto some thoughts about mothering 3 (!!!) children for 9 months and some feelings and thoughts on my heart/mind.
Sleep
Starting with this one because what else is on the mind of young parents as much as this? I kid haha, but sleep definitely has such an impact on our well-being and we try to prioritize it a lot around here. I've felt a lot more peace as I've accepted the fact that I'm going to be woken up probably at least 1-2 times a night, sometimes more, sometimes from multiple children. Instead of getting frustrated with them, I try to control what I can (prioritizing early bedtimes for both my children and I and going to sleep in as calm of a state as possible) and remind myself that this is only a season. I know I will in some ways miss being needed in the ways they need me. There is a special kind of love between a child who is so dependent and a parent who can give them what they need. Whether it be milk, an extra hug, reassurance after a scary dream. It's taken me 3 kids to realize that sleep is important and we can prioritize that and work towards healthy sleep for all, AND it's normal and okay to be woken up by my children and give them the support they need. Life has been better and I've been way less resentful. That being said, Emily is sleeping much better and Thomas is starting to consistently need one feed at night instead of 2-3 which has been life-changing.
Setting Limits for Myself
I've tried a lot of things over the years with social media, and I've come to the conclusion that it can be really overwhelming for me but I also don't want to live without it either. It's a way I keep up with the people I love, especially from my time as a missionary in Brazil and from all the places we've lived as a military family. That being said, I've also had my husband create a password for the "screentime" feature on my iphone that only he knows. I customized it, giving myself 30 minutes for certain apps and having them be unavailable after those 30 minutes and also blocked from about 9 pm - 7 am. I know how my mental state is when I spend too much time on my phone, and especially social media. A few weeks back I had Spencer tell me the password he'd set. I can't remember why I needed it, but I hated how much extra time I was spending and overriding the password all the time. It was affecting the way I interacted with my kids and my levels of anxiety.
Anway, I had him reset the password to one I didn't know, and the other night, my time had ended for the apps. When I went to put in the password I realized I didn't know it. It was the most liberating feeling, because the choice had been made for me and in that moment I realized that setting limits is one of the most loving things I can do for myself. Just like my children, I set limits on when they need to be in their rooms to rest, how much screen time they get, and how much of certain foods are served in our home. Not to show them that I'm more powerful and make them go without, but because I love them and I generally know what their bodies need to thrive. It's a delicate balance of figuring out what they can choose for themselves (what they wear, what/how much they eat of what we choose to serve, etc.) and what mom and dad choose for them out of love and wisdom.
I'm slowly growing in my capacity to set limits for myself. And realizing it's okay if I don't have the 'willpower' to always choose for myself but rather have the choice made for me, like the screentime on my phone. Another limit I'd like to be consistent at is charging my phone in the bathroom starting at 9 pm so I can have a good wind-down time to read/journal/pray before bed, and using my traditional alarm clock by my bed. Other limits I'm working on are what and how much to feed my body so I can feel energetic and well-nourished, rather than sluggish and irritable.
Work and School
I'm still working at Emily's preschool twice a week, and I love it. I truly love it. I have had jobs in the past and when they didn't work out, I'd think "maybe I'm just not cut out for having a job while parenting young children." But the truth is, it just wasn't the right fit for me. I'm the kind of person that thrives around other people if I enjoy them, and I really enjoy the people I work with as well as the kids. And having Thomas with me is the best because I can still be with my baby and not feel like I'm missing out on this year with him. But at the same time, I can do something that fills my cup in a different way and contributes to our family's income a bit. I will say that it's been an added stressor in some ways, especially when I'm trying to get all of us ready and where we need to be solo. But it's stretched me in a good way, and I'm getting better and better at creating systems for our family. I'm also continually working on being on time.
As a quick side note, I've been researching ADHD in women more and really resonate with a lot of what I've read. It's empowering to educate myself because I'm learning that life is all about finding ways to manage the things we struggle with, and it CAN be done! Through medication, therapy, better systems, awareness, etc. For me, I struggle with being late because I underestimate the amount of time it will take to do things and I put things off until the last minute. So I'm getting better at prepping the night before, and giving myself and my kids more time in the morning to get ready and out the door. A good trick has been trying to get in the car 10 minutes before I think I need to be in the car.
Finding Joy
Since having Thomas, starting a new job, and managing the girls' school schedule and extra activities, life has picked up considerably. Our kids are still quite young but with the addition of school parties and fieldtrips and after school activities, I'm starting to understand the busy-ness that other parents talk about as their kids get older.
However, we've tried to be really intentional as a family about what we allow into our schedule because our time together (and my sanity) are so limited. I've also tried to incorporate more stillness into my days, like baking, sitting to read/write, playing the piano/flute, or lay down for a quick 15 minute nap. I'm often on the go, but I'm recognizing it's sometimes self-inflicted and I don't ALWAYS need to live that way, which has been liberating. "Peace. Stillness. Embrace."
Something else that's brought me a lot of joy is allowing my inner child to come out right alongside my kids. Dressing up for Halloween, doing crafts, riding scooters, marveling at leaves and bugs they find. To them, everything is magical. It's such a gift to witness the world unfolding through their eyes. They make me a better person.
My Well-being
Shortly after giving birth to Thomas, I recognized I was dealing with some postpartum rage/anxiety, so I met with a psychiatrist on an app covered by our insurance and started taking a low dose of Lexapro. I'm grateful I have people in my life that I trust and love who helped me recognize the benefit that could have for me at that time. My psychiatrist was awesome and it was mostly a positive experience aside from a few side effects.
Since then, I've weaned myself off of the Lexapro but continued taking This supplement, which is more expensive than I'd like but I truly notice a difference when I don't take it. It has been a lifesaver for me and I'll take it as long as I need to. If anyone has recommendations to a cheaper hormonal/mood support supplement, I'm all ears!
I'm slowly easing my way back into movement. My body definitely feels like it's had three kids, but at the same time, I'm hopeful and excited for the future and helping my body heal into the strongest version of itself. I've really enjoyed our gym with childcare in town. Paying for that helps me stay accountable to use it. I especially enjoy group classes like Yoga and pilates. Someday my body may be ready for classes like HIIT etc. But I'm also realizing that I am more sensitive in nature, and my body prefers calmer atmospheres. So who knows! I'm just going to take it day by day and see how I feel. I am starting an at-home program this Monday in addition to whatever I do at the gym so I'm excited for that!
Will we have another baby?
Phew. This one is a doozy. During my pregnancy with Thomas and the first few weeks, I felt happy to never be pregnant again haha and I really tried to treasure it as if he were my last baby. But as time went on and he was such a delightful, mostly easy baby, we really thought about having a fourth baby.
Now Thomas is almost 10 months and I feel really conflicted. I always thought I'd feel peace about being done, but I don't feel peaceful. And I've tried to make the decision that we're done with 3, but that doesn't feel right either and it feels like I'm trying to convince myself.
There is nothing like bringing another child into this world.
