It's painfully familiar. The sting of past heartbreak chills and captivates me. It's a dangerous place to be, but I stay for a little while anyway. Maybe it will be different this time, I tell myself, knowing all too well that it will not, cannot be.
Here comes the shame. The shame of knowing that I deserve more. The shame of knowing that this 'black key' in my life's composition has already been played many times, and I am in desperate need of a new melody.
I try to convince myself that I do not feel; I do not want to feel.The raw fear, sadness, and anger threaten to invade. I refuse to let them. I refuse to feel.
It's just easier not to.
One of the best and worst parts of being human is feeling. Inexplicable joy, inescapable sorrow, undesirable anger. The feeling of being unwanted, used, or lied to.
But also feeling so loved and accepted in ways you've never felt before, that you didn't even think were possible.
Why are we so afraid to feel? We distract ourselves mercilessly with small screens, big screens, to-do lists, parties, all to escape the possibility of feeling something, ANYTHING, that could scar us emotionally.
By doing so, we keep ourselves from enjoying the other side of the spectrum. We're so preoccupied avoiding hurt that we don't allow ourselves to experience joy, acceptance, and love.
We miss the rain on our skin, the smell of the autumn air, laughter of those we love, a gentle touch, a kind word. It's all too bad, really. We spend our time comparing our seemingly unfulfilled lives to other's perfect pictures which are not an accurate representation of real life.
Ever seeking the latest trends, popularity, and accomplishments that society promises will bring us happiness, we spend time, money, and energy on these gimmicks. In the end they leave us alone, unfulfilled, less than content.
True value comes from things that allow us to feel. Relationships with those we love, open and honest conversations, comforting another heart and being comforted ourselves.
We live in a world of opposites. It was meant to be this way. Only when we come to know sadness can we know completely the joy that we were intended to feel.
So I've decided that i'm going to allow my heart to FEEL. Really, truly feel. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Will it hurt sometimes? Yes. Do I have to like that it hurts? No. Definitely not.
Will I be tempted to run away from anything and everyone that could potentially hurt me?
Yes.
I'm so tired of running. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay when it's not. I'm tired of suppressing every negative emotion just because it's not 'acceptable' by social standards to feel sad, or angry, or lonely, or confused.
Let's be game changers. Remember that feeling something negative doesn't make you unworthy, it makes you human.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Allow yourself to feel your way through it; don't suppress anything. Cry, listen to music, write, go for a walk, talk with someone you trust, and thank God that He has given you the privilege to feel.
You are valiant. You are powerful. You are changing. Look ahead with a desire to truly live, to face life head on, without running the other way.
And then realize that this is the beginning of better days to come.
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
-Oscar Wilde-
There is always hope.
Aubrey
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| All of these feelings deserve to be heard and validated. This is one of my all time favorite movies, by the way:) |
