All of these things are true.
But there is someone else I want you to meet.
My name is Aubrey. I love music, but I don't sing or play the piano very much anymore. I still love sports but my tiredness inhibits me from playing often. My family and close friends are my world, but sometimes I'd rather not be with them; I'd rather be on my own where I don't bother anyone. I don't laugh as much as I used to, and sometimes it seems forced. It's hard to be motivated in school, especially when I feel pressure to be perfect. I wish I could feel God's love more in my life. I know He is there but I can't always feel Him.
This girl is conflicted with two sides to her that are unbelievably different. She rarely, if ever, lets others see the second side. To her, that is a weakness. She doesn't understand why, with every reason to be happy, she's just not. Or why, in a room filled with people who love her, she feels completely alone. Why can she not get up on time or fall asleep at a decent hour? Why won't she just let people in?
Is she a broken daughter and sister? Where is the light and zest for life she so often used to feel? For awhile she acts as though all is well; she's good at that. Slowly she begins to isolate herself from all things and people she loves. Nothing interests her anymore. She begins to believe that the world would be better off without her. Who wants an ugly, worthless, tired, negative girl around?
Of course these thoughts are toxic and untrue. But her mind cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not. Negative thoughts, mostly of herself, invade her mind. At times it seems she is literally not in control and that scares her.
Her health begins to worsen, due to lack of sleep, poor eating and exercise habits, and stress. Some days she can barely find the motivation to get out of bed. Everything becomes a chore. She is sick and can't figure out why.
She searches for love in all the wrong places; in the blonde-haired blue-eyed boy on the football team, who didn't care in the end. She tells herself, If only I were skinnier, with longer hair and better clothes, he would change his mind. He would love me," and "If only I could do better in school and extra-curricular activities I would be acceptable. I would be enough."
She will never measure up, never be 'enough' with these expectations. She pushes herself to the limit anyway, unrealistic expectations of perfection her guide.
There are ups and downs from age 14 to 20. But nearing her 21st birthday, she hit a low that she didn't know was possible. She had tried to go it alone and put on her usual show that everything was fine, but this time, it's different. Her physical and mental health are the worst they'd been. She has no desire to pray or read her scriptures. She hasn't touched a piano or lacrosse stick for months. More and more of her time is spent alone; sleeping, on the internet, crying in silence, away from those who love her most. She feels empty inside nearly all the time, as if a cloud envelopes her wherever she goes.
So she made a decision.
A scary one.
She would ask for help.
It was intimidating and humiliating. Sometimes it still is.
But she realized that God did not intend for His daughter (or any of His children) to live forever in sadness, fear, or darkness.
She is diagnosed with clinical depression.
It's terrifying.
She immediately goes into denial: "No. No no no no no no. People like me don't have this. No, not me."
Her thoughts almost convince her, until life becomes so completely unbearable without help that she surrenders.
So she lets herself be a little more open to love, and to healing.
She hates the idea of needing to be 'treated.' It makes her feel like she is defective, weak, and abnormal.
However, every day she learns repeatedly to accept help.
Lifestyle changes begin to take place. Exercise becomes one of the greatest joys and helps. Eating healthier, forcing herself to get out but to also take better care of herself. More sleep, less Facebook. More good talks with those that care about her, less time alone with negative thoughts.
She realizes that life is still good, and she can still be happy.
There will probably still be some dark days and sad moments.
But it's okay.
Because she's learning to help others on their journey, which she hadn't expected.
She has a deeper perspective, greater compassion, empathy, and above all,
Perhaps she is experiencing, in a very small way, a piece of what her Savior experienced so long ago in Gethsemane and on Calvary.
When she pauses to look outside of herself, she can see how He has carried her and she loves Him more deeply for it. It is through this trial that she feels His love more profoundly and helps others to feel it as well.
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This is my black key.
A necessary, painful, beautiful part of my life's melody. It has taught me so much.
I am so grateful for it.
I am learning what it means to "make weak things become strong."
It's not that God has taken away my trial or weakness, but I have learned to lean on Him through it and use what I'm learning to help OTHERS.
There is something so beautiful about that to me; we can relate to others who struggle and suffer, and give them hope that
It gets better.
I love my Savior. I know He lives. I know that He is walking with us if we let Him, and carrying us when we need Him to.
Perhaps Heavenly Father will take our trials away in this life. Perhaps not.
But if not, He is still good.
Life is still worth living.
Black keys and all.
There is always, always hope.
Aubrey
