Today, I Cried.

Today, I cried. 

Cried because I had been on my feet for 12+ hours caring for my baby and a friend's baby.

Cried because my husband is gone and I miss him. (Shout out to all the single moms and dads because that has to be the hardest gig out there).

Cried because today brought what seemed to be endless loads of laundry and dishes.

Cried because dinner was pastrami sandwiches instead of soup and pretzel rolls.

Cried because nothing in my closet fits me the way I want it to.

Cried because my daughter still wakes up 2-4 times a night and I haven't had more than 5-6 hours of sleep at a time for nearly 8 months (and that's on a really good night).

Cried because we live in a temporary home with sheets, couches, and kitchen bowls that are not our own.

Cried because I miss the mountain air and cooler temperatures.

Today, I cried. 

Cried because motherhood is magic and I am so grateful for my precious girl.

Cried because the Air Force takes such good care of us.

Cried because I have a husband who works so hard and loves us beyond words.

Cried because my body has carried a child and created a life, and that's pretty amazing.

Cried because I was able to get in some joyful movement by going on a run.

Cried because I found a blogger (immaeatthat.com) who puts into words everything that I feel about motherhood and living a fulfilling life.

Cried because pastrami sandwiches are delicious (especially at 10 pm when you realize you haven't eaten anything since 3).

Cried because I have warm pajamas and comfortable blankets to wrap myself in at the end of a long day.

Today, I cried. And it was needed and good.

The Reason We Fight

There’s been an accident.

These are four words a pilot’s wife never wants to hear. Any wife, for that matter.

After hearing such a statement, your heart drops and you pray that your husband isn’t involved.

Please, don’t let it be him.

And then, you pray for those who have been affected by the tragedy, unable to comprehend the absolute horror of going through something like this. You would not wish it on anyone, and wonder why tragedies  like this happen in the first place.

After all, you’ve seen the hours your husband has put into studying checklist after checklist, to be absolutely certain of a safe flight. Only you see firsthand the time and energy he invests to ensure that he is perfect in performance in order to avoid any mishaps. Repeating those words verbatim, stating that he needs to be 100% accurate because lives are at stake.

He calms your fears by reassuring you of the safety measures taken, and the ejection seats meant to save lives in dire situations.

You believe him.

You let him go out that door every day in his flight suit, trusting that he will come back to you, because the alternative is to live in fear and worry.

When a tragedy occurs  in the military, the whole community hurts. We are in this together. We know  the pride, the joy, and the sacrifice of serving our country as a unit. The active duty members and their families alike feel connected by this bond. And when we lose one of our own, although we may not have known them personally, there is absolute respect and solidarity.

Neither my husband nor I have family members who have been a part of the military before us. This is new territory for me. I have met some of the most wonderful people during our short time in the Air Force. I have felt the undeniable strength that  comes when individuals are united in such a noble cause. I give thanks for their sacrifices, knowing that the sacrifices I make are minuscule compared to those who are face to face with war, wherever they may be and in whatever capacity.

It is this gratitude for their sacrifice and the need for our freedoms to be protected that allow me to watch my husband leave every day. He continues to fight for the children who feel unsafe at night, and the widows who can’t sleep. He fights for the soldier beside him, and for those families who have given the ultimate sacrifice. He fights and he flies for those who hurt and those who dream.

He fights for all of us.

Love is Only Found When You Give It Away

Motherhood 

A million milk stains on your bed sheets from night feedings.

You are the first one to wake, and the last to fall asleep each day. 

Crawling back into the covers multiple times, knowing that you will be up again in a few short hours. 

Never setting alarms because your baby knows when she’s hungry and will most certainly wake you.

Changing outfits (both yours and hers) up to four times each day and countless loads of laundry. 

Endlessly rocking, patting, and burping, praying those little eyes close so you can both sleep. 

Reading books and singing songs to help a young mind learn. 

Letting your food sit while you meet her needs first. Now you understand why ‘momma bear’s’ porridge was always cold. 

Counting fingers and toes and marveling at big beautiful eyes, wondering how a human being could be so perfect. 

Worrying and then trying not to worry so much. 

Imagining the next phase, yet finding grace and gratitude in the present. 

Learning to take life as it comes and accept what you cannot change. 

Enjoying every single smile, no matter how small. 

Wondering how you could ever do this again, and just as quickly wondering how could you not? 

As I wake for the fourth time tonight, I remind myself that milk stains mean I am able to feed my baby, and that is a precious gift. 

I am grateful for knowing that she knows she can wake me when she needs me. 

Loads of laundry allow for beautiful outfits and playing lots of dress up with my real life baby doll. 

Rocking in this chair for hours gives me time for reflection

. These moments are fleeting, and never again will she be so dependent on me to be comforted. 

I think of all the memories we will create from reading favorite books and singing songs. 

Microwaves allow me to heat up the cold food that sits and waits for me. 

You see, mothers do so much for their children, and those sacrifices teach us, shape us, and refine us. 

Perhaps we learn more from them than they ever learn from us.

Clothes can be washed, food can be heated, and you will sleep again someday.

Strength is found in doing what you have never done. 

Love is found in the giving and in the sacrifice. 

When you love your home or your car, you clean it, fix it, and take care of it. The effort put in strengthens the love you have, and the cycle continues. 

Children were meant to cause some sacrifice, for therein lies the love, and the love creates the strength to continue giving.

It is the love of a parent for their child that will change the world. It can heal the hurting heart, and create tiny souls who feel safe, brave, and strong. 

My prayer is to love so fiercely that my daughter will stand for the good and rise up when she falls. 

I pray that my love will spark in her the desire to one day become a mother, and realize how truly sacred that role is.

And when she awakes to a baby’s cry with tired eyes, that she will scoop that baby up into open arms and understand what a privilege it is to sacrifice, and what a gift it is to love.