I follow a blogger named Kylie (@immaeatthat) whose perspective is so refreshing. She simply writes about her life - the good, the hard, the mundane, the growth. When I read her posts on motherhood, marriage, and body image, I feel like I could have written them myself because I relate so much to what she shares. Then I got to thinking, "there need to be more posts like this." So here I am.
"Happy Wife, Happy Life"
On my kitchen windowsill I keep this phrase: "Happy wife, happy life." I bought it when Spencer and I were newlyweds because we always joked that if I'm happy, everyone's happy. But over the last nearly 4 years we’ve been married, I've been thinking a lot about the truth of that statement and the power I have over the mood in our home. And now I keep it as a reminder that only I can give my girls a happy mom and my husband a happy wife.
That doesn’t mean I'm always smiling and having fun, but it does mean that I try my hardest to love my family and apologize when they get the worst of me. Sometimes we have kitchen dance parties, color, and go for walks and I feel really connected to my kids and I think, "I'm a good mom." And other times I wish I were more patient, more fun, and more fulfilled by motherhood. I remind myself often that both are okay and totally normal.
Motherhood is Messy
Today as I sat on the couch in my pajamas listening to the 5th episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I realized that although motherhood is incredibly fulfilling and magical for me, it's also boring, exhausting, and just plain hard. Oftentimes I'll cry tears of happiness and sadness, joy and overwhelm, all in the same day, and sometimes the same hour.
Yesterday Claire had a meltdown, probably because I wouldn't let her have a third gogurt or something, and I just couldn't take the crying and whining anymore. And I lost it.
Spencer and I try to approach parenting with connection and redirection. As much as possible I try to refrain from yelling or belittling Claire in any way, while still teaching her right from wrong. I recently purchased a parenting audio course by Ralphie Jacobs of "Simply on Purpose." She is a big advocate of staying safe for your children, which means we as parents try to remain calm even and especially when our children are not.
To me, "staying safe" means taking breaks from my phone and household tasks to engage with Claire, remaining calm when she has a tantrum or breaks something, ignoring inconsequential behavior (like her wanting to wear three pairs of pants or not eating her lunch), less punishing and more teaching, praising the things she does well, and taking breaks (even little ones where I lock myself in the bathroom) to breathe and eat some chocolate.
Most of the time we try to do this, and life is much better when we do. Claire is happier and we are happier. But we definitely have our moments and entire days when everything goes to crap and it's just hard. Sleep deprivation doesn't help either.
Working Hard On Our Marriage
Spencer is pretty much as good as you can get when it comes to a father and a husband. I share a lot about how much I love and appreciate him, and I do. However, the demands of a toddler and a young baby have created more resentment in me than I'd like. Particularly at the end of a really long day (which is most days, if I'm being honest) and at night when I'm feeding and constantly getting up when Emily doesn't sleep well.
I think what it comes down to is expressing my needs and allowing Spencer to express his and working at a way we can meet them. Two of those needs are time alone and time together, and we usually don't get both of those and sometimes we don't get either one. A few weeks ago we put both girls to bed at 7 and sat down on the couch, exhausted, and I said "this is the first night we've been able to have some time to ourselves where both girls went to sleep at the same time." It was really nice, and it hasn't happened since haha. (I wrote this paragraph a couple of months ago - Luckily Emily is sleeping better now!)
Less time together is hard but it also makes me really appreciate the time we do have. My parents were here a few months ago and we were able to go on a couple dates and look like actual humans who showered and dressed up, which rocked.
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| These pictures from Emily’s birth will always be cherished. |
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| My best friend. |
This time around I definitely know more what to do in regards to helping emily sleep and not become overtired. I thought Claire had colic for sure for the first three months but looking back, I think she was simply really tired and that made her frustrated all the time. Heaven knows when I don’t get enough sleep I’m easily irritated, so I know it’s tough on little babies.
That being said, we have still struggled and lots of times emily doesn’t always get the sleep she needs due to grocery shopping and church and tantrums and life, so it’s hard. It feels isolating because we can usually handle one outing a day, if that, without it messing up her sleep schedule. But I’m reminding myself every day that this is a season of life, and that while I’m in it I can look for the good.
Night time is getting better and she’s sleeping longer stretches sometimes which I am thankful for. I’m hoping we won’t have to sleep train her but I’m not opposed to it since sleep is so vital to the overall health and well-being of our family. I’m so proud of her ability to put herself to sleep more and more. If she is fed and rested she is a pretty happy girl (like her mom).
Right now I'm pretty much exclusively breastfeeding, which is going so much better than it did with Claire, and I'm grateful for that. It's also so time consuming and a lot of hard work. Breast milk is incredible and I'm amazed it gives Emily everything she needs, but I miss wearing normal clothes and not having to whip out my boob everywhere we go. Claire is constantly in Emily's face when I feed her. And while I appreciate that she loves her baby sister so much, it's been hard to set limits and help her understand that Emily needs some space and doesn't particularly like her eyeballs being poked.
This time around I feel a lot less guilt for giving Emily bottles and some formula, although we don't need to do that often because I'm usually always with her. The way I'm approaching breastfeeding (and most other things) is that we'll do what works for us until it doesn't work anymore. My mental health and emotional well-being are more important to me than the source of my daughter's food, so I'll breastfeed as long as the benefits outweigh the cost, which I'm thinking will be at least the first 6 months of her life, but we'll see.
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| A prime example of Emily having too much “Claire” in her moment |
How I Feel About My Body
Although it's gotten easier with a lot of the work I've put in, body image can still be a struggle. I think body positivity is great, but it's not always possible or realistic for me to love my body and the way it looks. I've tried to adapt a "body neutrality" approach. For me this looks like taking care of my body, accepting what is and refraining from negative thoughts. The other day I was looking at my legs in the mirror and cringed. I sat with that feeling for a minute, acknowledged that my body had changed, and moved on. If I wanted to take that a step further I could have expressed gratitude to my legs for allowing me to run and hike mountains and go up and down a million stairs every day.
Another important part of this for me is realizing that weight naturally fluctuates, we are meant to age, and most people won't fit their high school clothes or college clothes forever. Throwing out my scale last year has been helpful, as well as getting rid of clothes that don't fit and only buying ones that do. Spencer and I practice the principles of intuitive eating and that has been life changing. Paying attention to what our bodies need and how we feel, while allowing flexibility for all foods keeps us feeling good and it keeps life fun. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have limited time and energy, and I don’t want to spend it on tracking food obsessively (although I know that can be a good lifestyle choice for others), or worrying about how I look.
My Other Dreams
Most days, motherhood and being a wife feel pretty fulfilling to me at this point in my life. I still have other dreams which include working, teaching, possibly being a marriage counselor, etc. To be honest I don't really know what I want to do, but I know that I'm the type of person who will need something of my own that helps me develop, especially as my children go off to school.
However, at the moment I'm grateful for the privilege of being home with my girls. And as insane as these days are, and as tired as we are from adding another babe to our crew, I’m glad we did and I’m pretty sure we’ll add another one. Just not anytime soon. ;)
I’ll end with one of my favorite quotes on motherhood that has felt surprisingly relatable even after having my second:
"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail - when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy then the event of childbirth, perhaps it is even more sacred." - Joy Kusek
