Strength and Struggle travel together

"You're gonna have some ups and some downs. Anybody can feel good when they have their health, their bills are paid, they have happy relationships. Anybody can be positive then; anybody can have a larger vision then. Anybody can have faith under those types of circumstances. The real challenge of growth, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, comes when you get knocked down." -currently my favorite motivational video-

If there is anything I have come to learn recently, it is that strength and struggle travel together. There is no strength without struggle, and we cannot successfully overcome the struggle without strength.

It's hard to talk about our struggles. 

Especially when we are ashamed of them. It's difficult for me to admit that getting up in the morning, forgiving those who have hurt me deeply, and having enough confidence in God can often be challenging in my life. I don't want anyone to know that about me, because somehow society has persuaded me to believe that I am a failure if I do so.

But I am not a failure, and neither are you.

We are beautiful in our brokenness. We are divine in our struggles for there lies our strength. There lies our fight and passion to live for one more moment, one more day.

Today I ran a 5k, played volleyball,  went swimming,  ate way too much pizza and ice cream,  watched one of my all-time favorite movies,  and I'm ending the night sipping hot chocolate and blogging.

My life is not perfect,  and there are still many struggles.  But I am stronger because of them.  What I want you to know is that you can have wonderful days and sacred moments in the midst of the struggle.  

Happiness does not only come at the end.  We must learn to find joy in the journey,  and, yes,  strength in the struggle.

There is always hope.  

Aubrey

To the fifteen year old dating the football player

Hey you.

I know you're curled up on your bed right now,  wondering why he hasn't called. Is he with some other girl? Did you do something wrong?  Will you ever be enough?  

The answer is that you already ARE,  you just can't see that yet.  You hate the number on the scale and the size of your jeans.  You wish your hair was longer and your clothes were cooler.



High school is rough.  Whoever said it's 'the best four years' obviously hasn't had cafeteria ketchup stain her favorite white jeans and spent all day in the bathroom trying to make it less noticeable.

I know it sucks to fight with your parents and the boy that you really think you love.  It's the worst when those you thought were your friends turn on you.  And what about all the sleepless nights you spent doing homework that doesn't seem to matter anyway?

But I'm here to tell you something: you're gonna make it.  I know because I'm here. And you know what?

It gets better.  

Just a picture of me at 15 to remind us all that life gets better

You will find love one day.  You DESERVE love,  even though everything and everyone around you tries to convince you that you don't.  Don't give up. Now that doesn't mean constantly wait around for the next boyfriend. Just know that love is not a one time deal.  It comes and goes. You'll have another shot.  Many,  actually.  Spend time with people who build you up and make you feel good about yourself.  You will go through lots of heartbreaks but they will all teach you something. He's coming, someday.  He'll  be worth it,  I promise.
You are beautiful regardless of the number on a scale or your jeans. Victoria's secret would have you believe otherwise, but they're wrong. I guarantee you that other girls look at you wanting what YOU have.  Your eyes,  your smile, the way you light up a room when you walk into it. Be you and own it.  Your friends think you're gorgeous and you'll have plenty of boyfriends that think so as well.
If you let them, your parents will become your best friends. They might not always see things the way you do.  They may put annoying curfews and rules in place.  Regardless,  tell them about your day when they ask.  Ask them about THEIR day. Someday you'll be dying to have your mom's spaghetti and call her every day.   Also,  know that you will have teachers and mentors put in your path.  They know what they're talking about for the most part.  It's okay,  listen.
Grades aren't everything.  Don't focus so much on your external successes.  By that I mean making the varsity team,  top choir, treasurer of the National Honor Society,  all with a 4.0 and AP credits.  You will make it into college!  And guess what?  Even if it's not the college of your choice,  it will be a good fit in the end.  Don't stress baby girl.

My motto as a 15 year old still hasn't changed 

Don't waste time on people that don't matter.  

Sweetheart,  he's not going to call you back.  And even if he does,  I hate to break it to ya, but he doesn't really care about you.  He doesn't care about your dream to go to Africa or have a family someday.  He doesn't know what you're scared of or proud of. As hard as it is,  stand up for yourself.  Don't respond to his worthless texts.  Don't meet up with him.  You are enough. One day you'll forget about him and how much it hurts.  Keep your chin up,  because God has got some great stuff wrapped up in silver bows coming your way. 

It gets better. 

One day you're going to realize that you love to write, and that you can help other people with your words.  You'll realize that learning to love yourself is the scariest,  most rewarding journey you've ever taken.   And someday, you'll be ready for a love deeper than you've ever felt before,  second only to your Heavenly Father's love.  

There will be highs and lows. I can't promise that it will all be rainbows and butterflies. But you'll look back and laugh.  You'll be glad you went through what you did because it all made you who you are.

    And who you are is strong, beautiful, and loved.  

                                                        There is always hope.  

                                                       Aubrey 

Halloween at 15. Mouse costume. Oh boy. 

The Rules we should be Breaking

Rules. 

They are all around us. I have found that rules either

1) Keep us safe. (such as the sign that prohibits swimming in piranha-infested waters)
           
                                      OR

 2) Force us to be  or do something we wouldn't otherwise. (like doing all things possible to fit those size 4 jeans to be socially 'acceptable.')

Of course, many rules are good and necessary. I am truly grateful for parents who taught me that I don't put my hand on that hot stove and I also don't lower my standards for anyone else. This basic structure has guided me throughout my twenty-one years and although I have not always followed their advice, I have seen that they were (and still are) wiser than I am. Their rules are the ones that try to keep me from swimming in piranha infested waters.

I've always hated breaking the rules. In second grade each 7 year old had a card that you flipped over from the green side to the red if you were unpleasant. My problem was usually talking more than Mrs. Largo appreciated during her lectures on "If you give a mouse a cookie" and geography of the U.S. One time in particular she called me out and I had to walk in shame to flip my own card over to that rebellious red. I tend to become overly emotional when I'm punished, so the rest of that lecture was spent with my head in my hands on top of my desk, wishing everyone would stop staring as snot and tears soiled my overalls and pink flowered shirt.

I still hate breaking the rules. I don't like to be late to class and I can't even fathom the idea of a speeding ticket (currently knocking on wood so that doesn't happen).

But what about the other type of rules? 

The ones where we force ourselves to change in order to be accepted? Let me tell you about a few of these created by Ms. Sassy Society that we feel expected to keep:

a. A perfectly toned body with no blemishes or any type of 'imperfection.'
b. A stunning wardrobe that's always up with the latest 'trends' 
c. You must have more followers than following. Keep those 'likes' coming on every photo/post
d. Don't get caught participating in the 'wrong' activities. (aka choir, drama, robotics club, etc.)
e. Make sure your career is considered 'prestigious' and that you bring home the Benjamins

I am currently breaking ALL of these.

My body is nowhere near perfectly toned. Blemishes and 'imperfections' abound.
As for my wardrobe, I wear what I like. Sure, sometimes what I like happens to be 'in' at the time. But I don't wear clothes to be 'accepted.' I'm also a big fan of comfort and convenience, which includes sweats and those aloe-infused socks most days. 
Social fame is definitely not one of my strong points. Good thing I don't base my worth off of the likes/hour ratio on any post of mine.
I actually played lacrosse in high school, but I loved choir and theater as well. Why do we feel those are not acceptable things? We worship actors and singers but cringe at the very arts where they first discovered their talents. 
My current career very probably won't make millions. But I AM happy with what I've chosen to do.

.There are many other rules we should be breaking  Define your own rules. Break the ones that force you to be something you're not. 

There is always hope. 

Aubrey 

Black Keys

Black keys. 

We all have them; the moments that are dark, confusing, and void of hope. Each individual's black keys are different. One may struggle with addiction, another with perfectionism, loneliness, etc. But we post our flawless pictures to Instagram and Facebook anyway, filtered through rose colored glasses which create the illusion of a perfect life. A life with no black keys. Even though social media would like us to believe otherwise, no one has a life without black keys. 

Pretending you have no black keys in your life is actually worse than the 'shame' of acknowledging that you do. Admitting to bad hair days, anxiety, weakness, and mistakes is liberating; hiding them is exhausting and deceiving to others and most importantly, ourselves.

Why the black keys analogy? On today's modern piano, there are 52 white keys and 36 black keys. That's 88 completely different sounds made by each individual key that are needed to create all types of music. 

You may ask, why can't we take out the black keys? Are they truly necessary to write decent music? Certainly there are songs that consist of only white keys.

Yes, there ARE songs played only on white keys. And they are lovely. But not nearly as meaningful and fulfilling as those that use both the white AND the black. 

Thus it is in life; we all love the joyful, carefree moments. However, we cannot remove the struggles, for in the struggles lies our strength. The difficult moments shape us and strengthen us in ways that the happy moments cannot. The black keys give life and strength to the white ones as they play beautiful melodies. They are necessary and beautiful in their own way. 

I'm no polished writer and I never intended to have a blog. But I promised myself recently that I would find the beauty in and acknowledge every 'black key' in my life and use them to build up others on their journey as well. I can't promise groundbreaking sermons or 'how-to's' for every difficult situation you come across. But I CAN promise hope to those who have black keys. That should include every one who has ever gotten a bad grade on a test, had an argument with a loved one, looked in the mirror and didn't like what he saw, didn't make last month's rent, or had her heart broken, among countless other obstacles. 

This is my life without the filters; without the rose colored glass. Raw, real, black and white. I hope you know it's okay to not be okay sometimes. I hope you know that your black keys don't make you bad or unworthy or weak - they make you human. Every day I am learning to not only be okay with my black keys but to see how they make me stronger and more beautiful. 

I also hope you realize the white keys; priceless moments with family and friends, a new favorite song, the kindness of strangers, naps, stargazing, Zumba, tender mercies, and really good tea, just a name a few of my favorites. 

There is music all around us. Whether it's happy or sad, black or white, all the melodies come together and create our life. We can try to stop the music from playing or we can learn to dance to the tune, whatever it may be.

"Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also create music." 

There is always hope. 

Aubrey