"Mom"

 “Mom.”

I hear this word probably 1,000 times a day.

It’s on shirts and necklaces that I own.

It describes what I do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And even that description doesn’t seem to fully encompass it, because to me it is much more than a job.

These 3 little people, they are a part of my being. Woven into the fabric of my body and the tapestry of my life.

It’s hard to remember what life was like before their little bodies graced this Earth.

But somehow I feel I’ve carried their souls with me for much longer.

Claire, Emily, and Thomas.

Three vibrant souls that have, at times, brought me to my knees in sorrow and discouragement. Pleading for direction on how best to help them and help our family.

Three bright lights that cause my heart to soar into unspeakable pride and joy.

Three tornadoes that cause me to hide in my room eating chocolate chips and taking deep breaths.

Three forgiving beings that forgive me time and time again when I’ve fallen short of who I hope to be as a parent.

Three little people who remind me to pick my battles, and that most things are inconsequential, like matching socks and perfectly done hair.

Being a mom, for me, has been the most refining experience of my life. Nothing has brought me to my knees more. Nothing has enhanced my life with so much joy.

It is equal parts maddening and delightful.

Sometimes I think, “I just don’t know that I can do this anymore.” And I can feel myself losing my grip on who I am apart from a bedtime snuggler, chef, driver, and butt-wiper.

So I try to bring some more “Aubrey” into my life. Writing, yoga, outings with friends, kitchen dance parties, baking, sunrise runs and sunset walks.

And although it does my heart good to be called “Aubrey” and prioritize my hobbies and taking care of myself, 

I take my greatest pride and ownership in being called

“Mom.” 

Life as a mom of 3 for 3 months

Thomas has officially been a part of our Baldwin crew for 3 months (Edited to add: he turns 6 months in 3 days.... evidence of the craziness around here). The past 3 months have brought some of the sweetest and most difficult moments of our parenting journey. The crazy thing about parenting is that just when you think you've got it all figured out, life throws you another curveball! 

Sleep 

One thing that's been really hard is Emily (3) has been going through a major sleep regression; probably the worst she's ever had. She's our more spirited child, and is very particular. She feels deeply and we love her to pieces. But man, these past few months of being up for hours with a distraught 3 year old every night on top of having a newborn waking up multiple times a night about did us in. There was one night where I felt like I really might die from exhaustion (okay maybe that's a bit dramatic. But I now understand why sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique). And the sleep deprivation was wearing on all of us, exacerbating everyone's worst behavior. A terrible cycle.  

Literally 2 nights before writing this was the first time Emily had slept through the night in months after lots of pleading and tears and a few moments I'm not proud of. But ultimately we've made some changes to have a more solid bedtime routine that starts earlier. We've also had to set some boundaries in place and I'd be lying if I didn't disclose that a bribe has been involved. I told Spencer this past weekend that I couldn't think about anything other than getting more sleep and we needed to do whatever we could to make it happen. And literally that night was the night Emily slept through for the first time and I wanted to cry tears of joy and relief the next morning. I understand that my kids will wake up from time to time and that's normal. But I'm SO grateful we are hopefully moving back in the direction of our oldest 2 being pretty good sleepers. 

Update: Emily has now been back to her better sleeping habits for over a month (she still wakes up and opens her door but she gets back in bed most of the time and doesn't get us unless she truly needs us) and it's made a world of difference for everyone, especially her. We've also worked with Thomas to fall asleep independently sometimes and it's helped decrease his night feedings from 3+ to a dream feed around 10 pm and one-two other feeds, usually around 2/3 am and 5/6 am. We are so grateful and are hoping that Thomas will continue to progress to longer stretches over time. Sleep is a nonnegotiable in this household because it is the foundation for everything else.

Parental Leave 

Right before Thomas was born, the Air Force updated the parental leave policy from 3 weeks to 12 weeks. We ended up taking 9 of those weeks as soon as Thomas was born and I'll be forever grateful to the military for changing the leave policy and to Spencer for taking that time, even though he had to make some sacrifices professionally to do so. He's the kind of man who loves his family deeply and is constantly trying to juggle work in a way that puts us as his top priority when he can. Work/life balance has always been tough for us to navigate, but we’re figuring it out little by little.

We thought we'd both go crazy with Spencer home that long but the truth is after the first week or so we settled in and loved it. We painted our fireplace and Spencer built a bedframe, work bench, and nightstand. I was able to get lots of one-on-one time with Thomas and sleep in while Spencer got the girls to school. And I needed every second of his help. 3 kids is a circus for sure and even though we know more what we're doing each time around, it's also crazier haha I told Spencer I wish we could go  back to having just one kid but with all the knowledge we have now of sleep, parenting, etc. It would be so much easier! Such is life. 

Spencer being on parental leave for so long allowed our whole family to go to Utah during the girls' spring break to attend family weddings on both sides. It was such a special week and I can't help but think that God orchestrated all of that so that we could be there. 

Resentment in marriage 

Over the years we've experienced our fair share of resentment, especially coming from me towards Spencer. I feel like society tells mothers that the only way to be a mom/wife is to be resentful and just live in survival mode/victim mode until your children are grown. I don't appreciate that narrative and it's not fair to the husbands out there who are true partners. That being said, we've discovered things that can be done to help both partners feel the other one is a true contributor. I've definitely felt resentment creeping in at times after Thomas was born but here's some things we've done to help decrease that: 

1. Night feeding/waking shifts. It's more difficult now that Spencer is back at work flying, but during his parental leave we tried as much as we could to split up the night into two 5 hour stretches and the parent who was "on" from 9pm - 2 am handled Thomas' night feedings and any other night wakings from the kids while the other person slept in the guest room, then we swapped from 2am - 7 am, when it's time to get everyone up for the day and ready for school. 

Each of us getting a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep is a game changer. It's also been really good to introduce Thomas to bottles in case he needs to be fed by someone else, which is a huge relief to me. This hasn't always worked out perfectly, and in the beginning it was almost impossible because of how engorged I was. But over time my supply has regulated and we're back to doing shifts on the nights Spencer doesn't fly. I also ask for naps when I'm really dragging and if it's been a rough week with a lot of flights we've agreed to have me sleep a full night uninterrupted on the weekend. I'm hoping this won't deplete my breastfeeding supply but I've decided that sleep is the biggest contributing factor to who I want to be as an individual, and if I have to sacrifice some things to get the rest I need, so be it. 

2. Weekly couple's council/check in. We recently went on a marriage retreat that was sponsored by the Air Force and there was childcare provided for the workshops and a date night. It was just what our family needed and we were both able to communicate calmly and assertively what we needed. I know not everyone has the option to go on a marriage retreat, but taking some intentional time once a week to go over the schedule and needs of each person in the marriage can be really helpful. We try to have a Sunday council as a couple after the kids are in bed to be on the same page schedule-wise for the week and check in with each other. At the retreat we learned that 80% of problems in marriage don't need to be solved, just understood. It was good to have a refresher on those communication/listening skills and work through some tough things. 

3. Parent breaks. The happiest times in our family are when we both are supportive of the other taking breaks. If it's been a particularly rough day and Spencer is home in time to do bedtime, I'll take off to go walk through our neighborhood/a store by myself or get a milkshake or something. I also like to do morning runs/yoga before the world is awake and am working towards getting back to that. Spencer goes to play intramural basketball at times and likes to go to Lowe's or do some woodworking on the weekends or in the evening if he has time. Obviously we enjoy spending time with each other too, and sometimes we'll watch a show or play a game together. But right now we both benefit a lot from peace and quiet out of the house or in another part of the house.

4. Childcare. I agonized in the Fall over sending Claire to pre-k which is all day here in Oklahoma. I also put Emily in a preschool 3 times a week for a few hours. It was a decision I felt really guilty about, especially with lots of my friends homeschooling (which is a great option for so many!), but I felt the push to move forward with it and it has been absolutely a sanity-saving blessing for me. During pregnancy I was able to schedule a lot of my appointments when they were both at school, workout by myself, get dinner started, go on lots of walks with our dog Rio, and just do what I needed to fill my cup. And it's been good for our girls too.  Claire has grown leaps and bounds socially. She's always bringing home amazing crafts and loves to share what she's learning. Tomorrow is her Spring program and she's absolutely bursting with pride and is anxious to share with us the songs and dances she's worked so hard on. Emily has also really blossomed in being able to do hard things and make friends. I believe they were able to better handle being in an unfamiliar setting at the childcare for the marriage retreat because of going to school each day. I'm not sure what school will look like for us in the future and I'm exicted to see what other options are available when we live somewhere else (hybrid programs especially), but for right now it's been a great fit for our family and I'm going to remain open to the needs of our kids and go day by day.

Postpartum anxiety/rage

This one has been a doozy. I felt pretty good while Spencer was home on paternity leave (you're shocked, I know haha). But I started to feel super anxious as we approached him going back to work. I was losing it on my kids pretty much every day and felt a lot of rage towards them. It was awful. 

After a particularly terrible day, I booked a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist on an app called doctor on demand. There are a lot of online/app options where you can meet virtually and some are covered by insurance! The world is changing its view of mental health and I pray it just keeps becoming more accessible.

After talking with people I trust who have been on a similar journey postpartum, I decided with the psychiatrist to start on some meds that could help me get my anxiety/rage under control. Within a few days I started to feel more calm and even. It was amazing. I'm also planning to use the same app for some therapy sessions as needed. 

I’ve also been taking this supplement and this multivitamin/prenatal which have helped tremendously and I've found that my energy levels are better too. 

Lastly, 1. getting outside and 2. taking needed breaks from social media, charging my phone in the bathroom from 9 pm on, and getting to sleep by 10 pm have been really helpful for my mental health. 

Body thoughts 

After Claire was born I became pretty obsessed with my body being a certain size. I was thinner than I'd been in years and I was still miserable; it was never "enough." Since then my body has gone through lots of transitions and I've settled on the goal of eating/moving to feel good and also to enjoy life. I don't restrict any foods or label them as "good" or "bad" but I do pay attention to how foods make me feel and eat them in amounts that feel best to me. For movement I haven't felt a pull to get back into intense workouts but again I am listening to my body and will add them back in if/when I feel it. For now I'm enjoying swimming, walking, yoga, and the occasional run. Someday I'd like to explore strength training more too. 

I am really proud of my body and all it's done for me my whole life, and while I don't always love it or even like every part of it, I can respect it and honor it. I'm never going to look like I did as a teenager or college kid and I'm okay with that. Bodies are meant to change, and I'm much more interested in my body being an instrument through which I can sing, laugh, dance, and enjoy life than an ornament to be admired. 

One thing I'm doing differently after this baby is pelvic floor therapy, which has been great to work on regaining some bladder control (IYKYK) and overall strength. I'm also planning to continue going to the chiropractor occasionally and have Thomas adjusted too. It's a goal of mine to get our girls to the chiropractor as well this year. The more I learn, the more fascinated I am about health as a whole and how many facets of health there are. 

Our Village

A thought I've reflected on lately is that our village spreads beyond friends and family (especially living far from family). I've come to define our village as anyone that contributes positively to mine and my family's life. My neighbor who cuts our grass and gives us eggs, my kids' teachers, our librarian, the house cleaner I hired to help me clean my bathrooms and floors, the lifeguards/swim instructors, our pediatrician who has helped us get the referrals we need for our children, etc. etc. One reason I initially felt guilty about sending our kids to school was the underlying thought "I should be able to do this for them." But even if I am capable of homeschooling and doing all of their extracurriculars, I think it would have driven me into the ground physically and emotionally. I love my kids but I desperately need alone time and time to think clearly and invest in my own interests (like writing). I've never been more grateful for good teachers who are severely underappreciated and underpaid. I'm hoping our school system can see some positive changes because there are so many kids who benefit from these amazing individuals. I'm grateful they're a part of our village and help me meet our children's needs so I don't have to meet every need myself while I'm home with them. 

Alright, phew. I guess I had a lot to say! If you made it this far thanks for being here. If nothing else it's therapeutic for me to write and reflect on the things that have been helpful to me this time postpartum and also to realize that we are doing this!! Things are getting better and even though we still have hard nights/days at times, the overall trend is onward and upward. Thanks for being a part of our village near and far <3 

Trusting the Process; Some Pregnancy Thoughts the Second Time Around

Whenever we move somewhere new, I think back to some advice I was given by a dear friend who is also a military wife:

" Give it 6 months." 

It's important to remember that transitions take time. Whether it's a new job, relationship, a move, new baby, new school, or becoming empty nesters, among many other transitions, it takes time to adjust and to feel comfortable.

I'd like to add another statement to my friend's advice:

Trust the process.

Trust that there will be better days to come. Trust that the sun will come out again (which has been rare here lately and I cherish the days it pokes through the clouds). Trust that you will make new friends, that your new baby will eventually sleep better, that your new town won't always feel so foreign to you. Trust that someday this will become your new normal and while it may not be easy, "the Lord will shape the back to bear the burden placed upon it."

This pregnancy has (mostly) flown by compared to my first. Between having a toddler to chase around, settling in to a new place and country, and a deployment, we have been busy. I'm currently 37 weeks and am starting to feel like my body is falling apart. However, I'm amazed at how strong and capable our bodies are. I can be a decent mom and wife and still function and that is pretty incredible. I'm hoping to be induced at 39 weeks since Claire was a large baby and I don't want to go through that again if I don't have to. But I also know that this baby will come when she is meant to come, so I'm trusting the process.

Claire has a 'big sister' book that she loves to read, carries around her baby doll everywhere, and often talks about the baby in mommy's belly. We have tried to prepare her as much as we can, explaining and helping her understand. However, I know she really has no idea what's coming. She adores babies, but I'm not sure how she'll react when our baby never goes away, cries, and takes a lot of mommy and daddy's time.

I honestly can't imagine having another child. It's been just us and Claire now for two years. She is our buddy and our whole world. I know they say your heart just grows and you love them the same, but I have yet to experience that so until then I'm going to love the heck out of Claire and cherish our last couple of weeks together. And I'm going to trust the process.

The toddler stage is actually one of my favorite stages yet. It is hard and draining with daily meltdowns and explaining things over and over again. But there is so much magic in it. Claire is a happy happy girl and loves to jump, read books, give hugs and kisses, etc. She is truly a source of light and joy in our home and we love watching her learn. Right now one of my favorite things is when she says "Bye, see ya!" when we leave or when her daddy leaves. Her vocabulary has exploded the last few months and it is the best.

Although I'm not looking forward to the pain and uncertainty of it all, labor doesn't scare me as much this time around. I know that it will all be okay in the end and that my body knows what to do. I'm trusting the process. 

And having a newborn again also scares me, but not as much as before. Claire was very difficult for the first 3 months, constantly crying, struggling to sleep. She wouldn't let anyone else hold her and she only wanted us to stand while we held her, which made for some exhausting nights and days. I'm pretty confident that we can handle what this baby throws at us because Claire was so hard. I know it will be a big transition to two kids, but I'm trusting the process.

Seeing my body change this time around has still been hard at times. I honestly tried to exercise more and eat well-balanced meals and snacks, and my body has gained the exact same amount of weight and some of my maternity clothes don't even fit like they did last time. That being said, I have so much more appreciation and respect for my body and have done a lot of inner work the past two years to get to this place. I've learned that even on the days I don't like my appearance, I can respect my body and cultivate a neutral attitude towards it. And that no matter what my weight or clothes size is, my body deserves to eat and sleep and move in ways I enjoy and that feel good to me. I'm not as worried about my body postpartum this time because I trust it to do what it needs to do as I nourish it and care for it. Whatever size I am 6 months from now is fine with me as long as I'm taking care of me. I'm trusting the process.

Life as a mom of two for 4 months

Hi, friends! It's been a long time since I've written and published a new blog post. I've started one or two in the past year but haven't finished them. I wanted to give an update on life as a mom of two for the last four months.

I follow a blogger named Kylie (@immaeatthat) whose perspective is so refreshing. She simply writes about her life - the good, the hard, the mundane, the growth.  When I read her posts on motherhood, marriage, and body image, I feel like I could have written them myself because I relate so much to what she shares. Then I got to thinking, "there need to be more posts like this." So here I am.

"Happy Wife, Happy Life" 

On my kitchen windowsill I keep this phrase: "Happy wife, happy life." I bought it when Spencer and I were newlyweds because we always joked that if I'm happy, everyone's happy. But over the last nearly 4 years we’ve been married, I've been thinking a lot about the truth of that statement and the power I have over the mood in our home. And now I keep it as a reminder that only I can give my girls a happy mom and my husband a happy wife.

That doesn’t mean I'm always smiling and having fun, but it does mean that I try my hardest to love my family and apologize when they get the worst of me. Sometimes we have kitchen dance parties, color, and go for walks and I feel really connected to my kids and I think, "I'm a good mom." And other times I wish I were more patient, more fun, and more fulfilled by motherhood. I remind myself often that both are okay and totally normal.

Motherhood is Messy 

 Today as I sat on the couch in my pajamas listening to the 5th episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I realized that although motherhood is incredibly fulfilling and magical for me, it's also boring, exhausting, and just plain hard. Oftentimes I'll cry tears of happiness and sadness, joy and overwhelm,  all in the same day, and sometimes the same hour.

Yesterday Claire had a meltdown, probably because I wouldn't let her have a third gogurt or something, and I just couldn't take the crying and whining anymore. And I lost it.

Spencer and I try to approach parenting with connection and redirection. As much as possible I try to refrain from yelling or belittling Claire in any way, while still teaching her right from wrong. I recently purchased a parenting audio  course by Ralphie Jacobs of "Simply on Purpose." She is a big advocate of staying safe for your children, which means we as parents try to remain calm even and especially when our children are not.

To me, "staying safe" means taking breaks from my phone and household tasks to engage with Claire, remaining calm when she has a tantrum or breaks something, ignoring inconsequential behavior (like her wanting to wear three pairs of pants or not eating her lunch), less punishing and more teaching, praising the things she does well, and taking breaks (even little ones where I lock myself in the bathroom) to breathe and eat some chocolate.

Most  of the time we try to do this, and life is much better when we do. Claire is happier and we are happier. But we definitely have our moments and entire days when everything goes to crap and it's just hard. Sleep deprivation doesn't help either.

Working Hard On Our Marriage 

Spencer is pretty much as good as you can get when it comes to a father and a husband. I share a lot about how much I love and appreciate him, and I do. However, the demands of a toddler and a young baby  have created more resentment in me than I'd like. Particularly at the end of a really long day (which is most days, if I'm being honest) and at night when I'm feeding and constantly getting up when Emily doesn't sleep well.

I think what it comes down to is expressing my needs and allowing Spencer to express his and working at a way we can meet them. Two of those needs are time alone and time together, and we usually don't get both of those and sometimes we don't get either one. A few weeks  ago we put both girls to bed at 7 and sat down on the couch, exhausted, and I said "this is the first night we've been able to have some time to ourselves where both girls went to sleep at the same time." It was really nice, and it hasn't happened since haha. (I wrote this paragraph a couple of months ago - Luckily Emily is sleeping better now!)

Less time together is hard but it also makes me really appreciate the time we do have. My parents were here a few months ago and we were able to go on a couple dates and look like actual humans who showered and dressed up, which rocked.

These pictures from Emily’s birth will  always be cherished. 

My best friend. 

 Sleep (or lack of)

This time around I definitely know more what to do in regards to helping emily sleep and not become overtired. I thought Claire had colic for sure for the first three months but looking back, I think she was simply really tired and that made her frustrated all the time. Heaven knows when I don’t get enough sleep I’m easily irritated, so I know it’s tough on little babies.

That being said, we have still struggled and lots of times emily doesn’t always get the sleep she needs due to grocery shopping and church and tantrums and life, so it’s hard. It feels isolating because we can usually handle one outing a day, if that, without it messing up her sleep schedule. But I’m reminding myself every day that this is a season of life, and that while I’m in it I can look for the good.

Night time is getting better and she’s sleeping longer stretches sometimes which I am thankful for. I’m hoping we won’t have to sleep train her but I’m not opposed to it since sleep is so vital to the overall health and well-being of our family. I’m so proud of her ability to put herself to sleep more and more. If she is fed and rested she is a pretty happy girl (like her mom).

That Milk Life 

Right now I'm pretty much exclusively  breastfeeding, which is going so much better than it did with Claire, and I'm grateful for that. It's also so time consuming and a lot of hard work. Breast milk is incredible and I'm amazed it gives Emily everything she needs, but I miss wearing normal clothes and not having to whip out my boob everywhere we go. Claire is constantly in Emily's face when I feed her. And while I appreciate that she loves her baby sister so much, it's been hard to set limits and help her understand that Emily needs some space and doesn't particularly like her eyeballs being poked.

This time around I feel a lot less guilt for giving Emily bottles and some formula, although we don't need to do that often because I'm usually always with her. The way I'm approaching breastfeeding (and most other things) is that we'll do what works for us until it doesn't work anymore. My mental health and emotional well-being are more important to me than the source of my daughter's food, so I'll breastfeed as long as the benefits outweigh the cost, which I'm thinking will be at least the first 6 months of her life, but we'll see.

A prime example of Emily having too much “Claire” in her moment

How I Feel About My Body 

Although it's gotten easier with a lot of the work I've put in, body image can still be a struggle. I think body positivity is great, but it's not always possible or realistic for me to love my body and the way it looks. I've tried to adapt a "body neutrality" approach. For me this looks like taking care of my body, accepting what is and refraining from negative thoughts. The other day I was looking at my legs in the mirror and cringed. I sat with that feeling for a minute, acknowledged that my body had changed, and moved on. If I wanted to take that a step further I could have expressed gratitude to my legs for allowing me to run and hike mountains and go up and down a million stairs every day.

Another important part of this for me is realizing that weight naturally fluctuates, we are meant to age, and most people won't fit their high school clothes or college clothes forever. Throwing out my scale last year has been helpful, as well as getting rid of clothes that don't fit and only buying ones that do. Spencer and I practice the principles of intuitive eating and that has been life changing. Paying attention to what our bodies need and how we feel, while allowing flexibility for all foods keeps us feeling good and it keeps life fun. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have limited time and energy, and I don’t want to spend it on tracking food obsessively (although I know that can be a good lifestyle choice for others), or worrying about how I look.

My Other Dreams

Most days, motherhood and being a wife feel pretty fulfilling to me at this point in my life. I still have other dreams which include working, teaching, possibly being a marriage counselor, etc. To be honest I don't really know what I want to do, but I know that I'm the type of person who will need something of my own that helps me develop, especially as my children go off to school.

However, at the moment I'm grateful for the privilege of being home with my girls. And as insane as these days are, and as tired as we are from adding another babe to our crew, I’m glad we did and I’m pretty sure we’ll add another one. Just not anytime soon. ;)

I’ll end with one of my favorite quotes on motherhood that has felt surprisingly relatable even after having my second:

"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. It is the year of travail - when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside her. The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy then the event of childbirth, perhaps it is even more sacred."    - Joy Kusek

Today, I Cried.

Today, I cried. 

Cried because I had been on my feet for 12+ hours caring for my baby and a friend's baby.

Cried because my husband is gone and I miss him. (Shout out to all the single moms and dads because that has to be the hardest gig out there).

Cried because today brought what seemed to be endless loads of laundry and dishes.

Cried because dinner was pastrami sandwiches instead of soup and pretzel rolls.

Cried because nothing in my closet fits me the way I want it to.

Cried because my daughter still wakes up 2-4 times a night and I haven't had more than 5-6 hours of sleep at a time for nearly 8 months (and that's on a really good night).

Cried because we live in a temporary home with sheets, couches, and kitchen bowls that are not our own.

Cried because I miss the mountain air and cooler temperatures.

Today, I cried. 

Cried because motherhood is magic and I am so grateful for my precious girl.

Cried because the Air Force takes such good care of us.

Cried because I have a husband who works so hard and loves us beyond words.

Cried because my body has carried a child and created a life, and that's pretty amazing.

Cried because I was able to get in some joyful movement by going on a run.

Cried because I found a blogger (immaeatthat.com) who puts into words everything that I feel about motherhood and living a fulfilling life.

Cried because pastrami sandwiches are delicious (especially at 10 pm when you realize you haven't eaten anything since 3).

Cried because I have warm pajamas and comfortable blankets to wrap myself in at the end of a long day.

Today, I cried. And it was needed and good.

The Reason We Fight

There’s been an accident.

These are four words a pilot’s wife never wants to hear. Any wife, for that matter.

After hearing such a statement, your heart drops and you pray that your husband isn’t involved.

Please, don’t let it be him.

And then, you pray for those who have been affected by the tragedy, unable to comprehend the absolute horror of going through something like this. You would not wish it on anyone, and wonder why tragedies  like this happen in the first place.

After all, you’ve seen the hours your husband has put into studying checklist after checklist, to be absolutely certain of a safe flight. Only you see firsthand the time and energy he invests to ensure that he is perfect in performance in order to avoid any mishaps. Repeating those words verbatim, stating that he needs to be 100% accurate because lives are at stake.

He calms your fears by reassuring you of the safety measures taken, and the ejection seats meant to save lives in dire situations.

You believe him.

You let him go out that door every day in his flight suit, trusting that he will come back to you, because the alternative is to live in fear and worry.

When a tragedy occurs  in the military, the whole community hurts. We are in this together. We know  the pride, the joy, and the sacrifice of serving our country as a unit. The active duty members and their families alike feel connected by this bond. And when we lose one of our own, although we may not have known them personally, there is absolute respect and solidarity.

Neither my husband nor I have family members who have been a part of the military before us. This is new territory for me. I have met some of the most wonderful people during our short time in the Air Force. I have felt the undeniable strength that  comes when individuals are united in such a noble cause. I give thanks for their sacrifices, knowing that the sacrifices I make are minuscule compared to those who are face to face with war, wherever they may be and in whatever capacity.

It is this gratitude for their sacrifice and the need for our freedoms to be protected that allow me to watch my husband leave every day. He continues to fight for the children who feel unsafe at night, and the widows who can’t sleep. He fights for the soldier beside him, and for those families who have given the ultimate sacrifice. He fights and he flies for those who hurt and those who dream.

He fights for all of us.

Love is Only Found When You Give It Away

Motherhood 

A million milk stains on your bed sheets from night feedings.

You are the first one to wake, and the last to fall asleep each day. 

Crawling back into the covers multiple times, knowing that you will be up again in a few short hours. 

Never setting alarms because your baby knows when she’s hungry and will most certainly wake you.

Changing outfits (both yours and hers) up to four times each day and countless loads of laundry. 

Endlessly rocking, patting, and burping, praying those little eyes close so you can both sleep. 

Reading books and singing songs to help a young mind learn. 

Letting your food sit while you meet her needs first. Now you understand why ‘momma bear’s’ porridge was always cold. 

Counting fingers and toes and marveling at big beautiful eyes, wondering how a human being could be so perfect. 

Worrying and then trying not to worry so much. 

Imagining the next phase, yet finding grace and gratitude in the present. 

Learning to take life as it comes and accept what you cannot change. 

Enjoying every single smile, no matter how small. 

Wondering how you could ever do this again, and just as quickly wondering how could you not? 

As I wake for the fourth time tonight, I remind myself that milk stains mean I am able to feed my baby, and that is a precious gift. 

I am grateful for knowing that she knows she can wake me when she needs me. 

Loads of laundry allow for beautiful outfits and playing lots of dress up with my real life baby doll. 

Rocking in this chair for hours gives me time for reflection

. These moments are fleeting, and never again will she be so dependent on me to be comforted. 

I think of all the memories we will create from reading favorite books and singing songs. 

Microwaves allow me to heat up the cold food that sits and waits for me. 

You see, mothers do so much for their children, and those sacrifices teach us, shape us, and refine us. 

Perhaps we learn more from them than they ever learn from us.

Clothes can be washed, food can be heated, and you will sleep again someday.

Strength is found in doing what you have never done. 

Love is found in the giving and in the sacrifice. 

When you love your home or your car, you clean it, fix it, and take care of it. The effort put in strengthens the love you have, and the cycle continues. 

Children were meant to cause some sacrifice, for therein lies the love, and the love creates the strength to continue giving.

It is the love of a parent for their child that will change the world. It can heal the hurting heart, and create tiny souls who feel safe, brave, and strong. 

My prayer is to love so fiercely that my daughter will stand for the good and rise up when she falls. 

I pray that my love will spark in her the desire to one day become a mother, and realize how truly sacred that role is.

And when she awakes to a baby’s cry with tired eyes, that she will scoop that baby up into open arms and understand what a privilege it is to sacrifice, and what a gift it is to love.