Sleep
One thing that's been really hard is Emily (3) has been going through a major sleep regression; probably the worst she's ever had. She's our more spirited child, and is very particular. She feels deeply and we love her to pieces. But man, these past few months of being up for hours with a distraught 3 year old every night on top of having a newborn waking up multiple times a night about did us in. There was one night where I felt like I really might die from exhaustion (okay maybe that's a bit dramatic. But I now understand why sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique). And the sleep deprivation was wearing on all of us, exacerbating everyone's worst behavior. A terrible cycle.
Literally 2 nights before writing this was the first time Emily had slept through the night in months after lots of pleading and tears and a few moments I'm not proud of. But ultimately we've made some changes to have a more solid bedtime routine that starts earlier. We've also had to set some boundaries in place and I'd be lying if I didn't disclose that a bribe has been involved. I told Spencer this past weekend that I couldn't think about anything other than getting more sleep and we needed to do whatever we could to make it happen. And literally that night was the night Emily slept through for the first time and I wanted to cry tears of joy and relief the next morning. I understand that my kids will wake up from time to time and that's normal. But I'm SO grateful we are hopefully moving back in the direction of our oldest 2 being pretty good sleepers.
Update: Emily has now been back to her better sleeping habits for over a month (she still wakes up and opens her door but she gets back in bed most of the time and doesn't get us unless she truly needs us) and it's made a world of difference for everyone, especially her. We've also worked with Thomas to fall asleep independently sometimes and it's helped decrease his night feedings from 3+ to a dream feed around 10 pm and one-two other feeds, usually around 2/3 am and 5/6 am. We are so grateful and are hoping that Thomas will continue to progress to longer stretches over time. Sleep is a nonnegotiable in this household because it is the foundation for everything else.
Parental Leave
Right before Thomas was born, the Air Force updated the parental leave policy from 3 weeks to 12 weeks. We ended up taking 9 of those weeks as soon as Thomas was born and I'll be forever grateful to the military for changing the leave policy and to Spencer for taking that time, even though he had to make some sacrifices professionally to do so. He's the kind of man who loves his family deeply and is constantly trying to juggle work in a way that puts us as his top priority when he can. Work/life balance has always been tough for us to navigate, but we’re figuring it out little by little.
We thought we'd both go crazy with Spencer home that long but the truth is after the first week or so we settled in and loved it. We painted our fireplace and Spencer built a bedframe, work bench, and nightstand. I was able to get lots of one-on-one time with Thomas and sleep in while Spencer got the girls to school. And I needed every second of his help. 3 kids is a circus for sure and even though we know more what we're doing each time around, it's also crazier haha I told Spencer I wish we could go back to having just one kid but with all the knowledge we have now of sleep, parenting, etc. It would be so much easier! Such is life.
Spencer being on parental leave for so long allowed our whole family to go to Utah during the girls' spring break to attend family weddings on both sides. It was such a special week and I can't help but think that God orchestrated all of that so that we could be there.
Resentment in marriage
Over the years we've experienced our fair share of resentment, especially coming from me towards Spencer. I feel like society tells mothers that the only way to be a mom/wife is to be resentful and just live in survival mode/victim mode until your children are grown. I don't appreciate that narrative and it's not fair to the husbands out there who are true partners. That being said, we've discovered things that can be done to help both partners feel the other one is a true contributor. I've definitely felt resentment creeping in at times after Thomas was born but here's some things we've done to help decrease that:
1. Night feeding/waking shifts. It's more difficult now that Spencer is back at work flying, but during his parental leave we tried as much as we could to split up the night into two 5 hour stretches and the parent who was "on" from 9pm - 2 am handled Thomas' night feedings and any other night wakings from the kids while the other person slept in the guest room, then we swapped from 2am - 7 am, when it's time to get everyone up for the day and ready for school.
Each of us getting a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep is a game changer. It's also been really good to introduce Thomas to bottles in case he needs to be fed by someone else, which is a huge relief to me. This hasn't always worked out perfectly, and in the beginning it was almost impossible because of how engorged I was. But over time my supply has regulated and we're back to doing shifts on the nights Spencer doesn't fly. I also ask for naps when I'm really dragging and if it's been a rough week with a lot of flights we've agreed to have me sleep a full night uninterrupted on the weekend. I'm hoping this won't deplete my breastfeeding supply but I've decided that sleep is the biggest contributing factor to who I want to be as an individual, and if I have to sacrifice some things to get the rest I need, so be it.
2. Weekly couple's council/check in. We recently went on a marriage retreat that was sponsored by the Air Force and there was childcare provided for the workshops and a date night. It was just what our family needed and we were both able to communicate calmly and assertively what we needed. I know not everyone has the option to go on a marriage retreat, but taking some intentional time once a week to go over the schedule and needs of each person in the marriage can be really helpful. We try to have a Sunday council as a couple after the kids are in bed to be on the same page schedule-wise for the week and check in with each other. At the retreat we learned that 80% of problems in marriage don't need to be solved, just understood. It was good to have a refresher on those communication/listening skills and work through some tough things.
3. Parent breaks. The happiest times in our family are when we both are supportive of the other taking breaks. If it's been a particularly rough day and Spencer is home in time to do bedtime, I'll take off to go walk through our neighborhood/a store by myself or get a milkshake or something. I also like to do morning runs/yoga before the world is awake and am working towards getting back to that. Spencer goes to play intramural basketball at times and likes to go to Lowe's or do some woodworking on the weekends or in the evening if he has time. Obviously we enjoy spending time with each other too, and sometimes we'll watch a show or play a game together. But right now we both benefit a lot from peace and quiet out of the house or in another part of the house.
4. Childcare. I agonized in the Fall over sending Claire to pre-k which is all day here in Oklahoma. I also put Emily in a preschool 3 times a week for a few hours. It was a decision I felt really guilty about, especially with lots of my friends homeschooling (which is a great option for so many!), but I felt the push to move forward with it and it has been absolutely a sanity-saving blessing for me. During pregnancy I was able to schedule a lot of my appointments when they were both at school, workout by myself, get dinner started, go on lots of walks with our dog Rio, and just do what I needed to fill my cup. And it's been good for our girls too. Claire has grown leaps and bounds socially. She's always bringing home amazing crafts and loves to share what she's learning. Tomorrow is her Spring program and she's absolutely bursting with pride and is anxious to share with us the songs and dances she's worked so hard on. Emily has also really blossomed in being able to do hard things and make friends. I believe they were able to better handle being in an unfamiliar setting at the childcare for the marriage retreat because of going to school each day. I'm not sure what school will look like for us in the future and I'm exicted to see what other options are available when we live somewhere else (hybrid programs especially), but for right now it's been a great fit for our family and I'm going to remain open to the needs of our kids and go day by day.
Postpartum anxiety/rage
This one has been a doozy. I felt pretty good while Spencer was home on paternity leave (you're shocked, I know haha). But I started to feel super anxious as we approached him going back to work. I was losing it on my kids pretty much every day and felt a lot of rage towards them. It was awful.
After a particularly terrible day, I booked a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist on an app called doctor on demand. There are a lot of online/app options where you can meet virtually and some are covered by insurance! The world is changing its view of mental health and I pray it just keeps becoming more accessible.
After talking with people I trust who have been on a similar journey postpartum, I decided with the psychiatrist to start on some meds that could help me get my anxiety/rage under control. Within a few days I started to feel more calm and even. It was amazing. I'm also planning to use the same app for some therapy sessions as needed.
I’ve also been taking this supplement and this multivitamin/prenatal which have helped tremendously and I've found that my energy levels are better too.
Lastly, 1. getting outside and 2. taking needed breaks from social media, charging my phone in the bathroom from 9 pm on, and getting to sleep by 10 pm have been really helpful for my mental health.
Body thoughts
After Claire was born I became pretty obsessed with my body being a certain size. I was thinner than I'd been in years and I was still miserable; it was never "enough." Since then my body has gone through lots of transitions and I've settled on the goal of eating/moving to feel good and also to enjoy life. I don't restrict any foods or label them as "good" or "bad" but I do pay attention to how foods make me feel and eat them in amounts that feel best to me. For movement I haven't felt a pull to get back into intense workouts but again I am listening to my body and will add them back in if/when I feel it. For now I'm enjoying swimming, walking, yoga, and the occasional run. Someday I'd like to explore strength training more too.
I am really proud of my body and all it's done for me my whole life, and while I don't always love it or even like every part of it, I can respect it and honor it. I'm never going to look like I did as a teenager or college kid and I'm okay with that. Bodies are meant to change, and I'm much more interested in my body being an instrument through which I can sing, laugh, dance, and enjoy life than an ornament to be admired.
One thing I'm doing differently after this baby is pelvic floor therapy, which has been great to work on regaining some bladder control (IYKYK) and overall strength. I'm also planning to continue going to the chiropractor occasionally and have Thomas adjusted too. It's a goal of mine to get our girls to the chiropractor as well this year. The more I learn, the more fascinated I am about health as a whole and how many facets of health there are.
Our Village
A thought I've reflected on lately is that our village spreads beyond friends and family (especially living far from family). I've come to define our village as anyone that contributes positively to mine and my family's life. My neighbor who cuts our grass and gives us eggs, my kids' teachers, our librarian, the house cleaner I hired to help me clean my bathrooms and floors, the lifeguards/swim instructors, our pediatrician who has helped us get the referrals we need for our children, etc. etc. One reason I initially felt guilty about sending our kids to school was the underlying thought "I should be able to do this for them." But even if I am capable of homeschooling and doing all of their extracurriculars, I think it would have driven me into the ground physically and emotionally. I love my kids but I desperately need alone time and time to think clearly and invest in my own interests (like writing). I've never been more grateful for good teachers who are severely underappreciated and underpaid. I'm hoping our school system can see some positive changes because there are so many kids who benefit from these amazing individuals. I'm grateful they're a part of our village and help me meet our children's needs so I don't have to meet every need myself while I'm home with them.
Alright, phew. I guess I had a lot to say! If you made it this far thanks for being here. If nothing else it's therapeutic for me to write and reflect on the things that have been helpful to me this time postpartum and also to realize that we are doing this!! Things are getting better and even though we still have hard nights/days at times, the overall trend is onward and upward. Thanks for being a part of our village near and far <3
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