But if not, He is still Good.

My name is Aubrey. I love music, playing the piano, and singing. Lacrosse and volleyball are my favorite sports. I adore Brazil and the Portuguese language. My family and close friends are very important to me. Laughing is one of my favorite things. I make the most of life. I am a good student and work hard in all I do. I love the gospel and feel God's love for me in many ways.

All of these things are true. 
But there is someone else I want you to meet. 

My name is Aubrey. I love music, but I don't sing or play the piano very much anymore. I still love sports but my tiredness inhibits me from playing often. My family and close friends are my world, but sometimes I'd rather not be with them; I'd rather be on my own where I don't bother anyone. I don't laugh as much as I used to, and sometimes it seems forced. It's hard to be motivated in school, especially when I feel pressure to be perfect. I wish I could feel God's love more in my life. I know He is there but I can't always feel Him.

This girl is conflicted with two sides to her that are unbelievably different. She rarely, if ever, lets others see the second side. To her, that is a weakness. She doesn't understand why, with every reason to be happy, she's just not. Or why, in a room filled with people who love her, she feels completely alone. Why can she not get up on time or fall asleep at a decent hour? Why won't she just let people in?

Is she a broken daughter and sister? Where is the light and zest for life she so often used to feel? For awhile she acts as though all is well; she's good at that. Slowly she begins to isolate herself from all things and people she loves. Nothing interests her anymore. She begins to believe that the world would be better off without her. Who wants an ugly, worthless, tired, negative girl around?

Of course these thoughts are toxic and untrue. But her mind cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not. Negative thoughts, mostly of herself, invade her mind. At times it seems she is literally not in control and that scares her.

Her health begins to worsen, due to lack of sleep, poor eating and exercise habits, and stress. Some days she can barely find the motivation to get out of bed. Everything becomes a chore. She is sick and can't figure out why.

She searches for love in all the wrong places; in the blonde-haired blue-eyed boy on the football team, who didn't care in the end. She tells herself, If only I were skinnier, with longer hair and better clothes, he would change his mind. He would love me," and "If only I could do better in school and extra-curricular activities I would be acceptable. I would be enough."

She will never measure up, never be 'enough' with these expectations. She pushes herself to the limit anyway, unrealistic expectations of perfection her guide.

There are ups and downs from age 14 to 20. But nearing her 21st birthday, she hit a low that she didn't know was possible. She had tried to go it alone and put on her usual show that everything was fine, but this time, it's different. Her physical and mental health are the worst they'd been. She has no desire to pray or read her scriptures. She hasn't touched a piano or lacrosse stick for months. More and more of her time is spent alone; sleeping, on the internet, crying in silence, away from those who love her most. She feels empty inside nearly all the time, as if a cloud envelopes her wherever she goes.

So she made a decision. 

A scary one. 

She would ask for help. 

It was intimidating and humiliating. Sometimes it still is.

But she realized that God did not intend for His daughter (or any of His children) to live forever in sadness, fear, or darkness.

She is diagnosed with clinical depression. 

It's terrifying.

She immediately goes into denial: "No. No no no no no no. People like me don't have this. No, not me."

Her thoughts almost convince her, until life becomes so completely unbearable without help that she surrenders.

So she lets herself be a little more open to love, and to healing.

She hates the idea of needing to be 'treated.' It makes her feel like she is defective, weak, and abnormal.

However, every day she learns repeatedly to accept help.

Lifestyle changes begin to take place. Exercise becomes one of the greatest joys and helps. Eating healthier, forcing herself to get out but to also take better care of herself. More sleep, less Facebook. More good talks with those that care about her, less time alone with negative thoughts.

She realizes that life is still good, and she can still be happy.

There will probably still be some dark days and sad moments.

But it's okay. 

Because she's learning to help others on their journey, which she hadn't expected.

She has a deeper perspective, greater compassion, empathy, and above all, 

Perhaps she is experiencing, in a very small way, a piece of what her Savior experienced so long ago in Gethsemane and on Calvary.

When she pauses to look outside of herself, she can see how He has carried her and she loves Him more deeply for it. It is through this trial that she feels His love more profoundly and helps others to feel it as well. 

This is my black key.

A necessary, painful, beautiful part of my life's melody. It has taught me so much.

I am so grateful for it. 

I am learning what it means to "make weak things become strong."

It's not that God has taken away my trial or weakness, but I have learned to lean on Him through it and use what I'm learning to help OTHERS.

There is something so beautiful about that to me; we can relate to others who struggle and suffer, and give them hope that

It gets better. 

I love my Savior. I know He lives. I know that He is walking with us if we let Him, and carrying us when we need Him to.

Perhaps Heavenly Father will take our trials away in this life. Perhaps not. 

But if not, He is still good. 

Life is still worth living.

Black keys and all.

There is always, always hope.
                                                                                                                                                                            
Aubrey 

However long and hard the road

Let's talk about compassion.

There are times when we go through the unthinkable, the unimaginable; those absolutely awful things that seem to have no rhyme or reason to them.

I want to start out by expressing my deep sympathy, and in some cases, empathy for those of you who are hurting for whatever circumstance you may find yourselves in.

I truly believe that if we could each look into the life of another and see all the pain and sorrow therein, we would be humbled and perhaps shocked. We all cope with pain in different ways, and there is much to be learned and admired from our differences in doing so.

In order to cope in my life, I write. I write about everything. It heals me. And if I can help heal at least one other soul as well, my life will have been well worth the struggles and pain.

Find something to heal your soul. Healing is rarely an overnight experience, but it will come with time and effort.

Time is your friend. Hold on to hope in better days to come.

However, I understand that although hope can be powerful, many times we need someone to simply sit with us, hold us, cry with us, and most importantly, listen to us. And even then there seems to be nothing that can numb or take away the pain of the current moment. 

I testify with my whole soul that we have been given a Savior of the World who can do exactly that. He will hold us and heal us in His embrace.

Wherever I'm at in life, it is comforting to know that He has been there before. He has been below where I'm at and above as well. Do I understand that completely? He knows how it feels to be at my lowest low and what I need to get back to a higher plane. He has overcome it all and knows EXACTLY what I need in my moments of anguish.

Sometimes, what I need is to learn. 

To learn patience when a trial is not being taken immediately from me.

To learn compassion for others who suffer.

To learn how to lean on my God for support when my world is falling apart.

To learn to be grateful when it seems there is not much to be happy about.

And, above all, to be reminded repeatedly that I cannot make it through this life on my own, nor was I meant to. 

I have been given my Brother, Friend, and Savior to walk with me and carry me through. 

I cannot answer why many of the debilitating trials of life are allowed into our lives by such a loving Father.

I simply do not know.

But I DO know that He loves us, and does not wish to harm us. And He will strengthen and sustain us until we fall into His arms again after we have fought and cried and laughed and smiled, however long and hard the road. 

This I also know: It will all have been worth it.

There is always hope. 

Aubrey

Oh how I've missed him.

Worry. School. Work. Rent. Stress.

Him. 

He appears and it all fades away.

It was really kind of funny, actually, the way he gently entered my life. Unannounced and unforeseen, yet completely and promptly on time.

Isn't it interesting, how life brings you what you never expect, but always what you need? 

As I learn to accept everyone and everything that enters my life as a gift, I see it all as a  beautiful process. 

Every night I would pray to my Father in Heaven, "Where is he? When is he coming?"

"Be patient, child. He is right around the corner."

Well, right around the corner took a little bit longer than I would have liked, but he did come.

And oh how I have missed him.

I am convinced that as we are ready, God will bless us with what we need.

He knows when we are ready, and when we need just a little bit longer.

I have spent twenty-one years without this wonderful human being because my Father was preparing and refining me until I could have him.

You see, it's all about timing.

Don't despair if it hasn't worked out yet. It will.

It might seem like time is moving slower than sea turtles swimming in peanut butter, but, it will come.

Now can I just rant about my gem of a guy?

Okay. He is just the perfect height for me.

Dark hair and dark eyes. Yes.

Cute eyes that look darling when I do something silly.

He has a passionate heart, loving to serve those in need and sacrificing all that he has to help others.

He knows when to joke and when to be serious. This is valuable.

Plays the piano with me and sings with me, which is really just a dream. Oh, did I mention his guitar skills?

Watching him play with his niece is probably one of my favorite things.

He knows just what to say and what not to say. Just talking, going on drives, and walks are our favorite things. A 3 1/2 hour drive isn't nearly long enough.

He is the first person I want to tell about my day. I find myself wanting him there in the big and small moments of my life.

He loves God and desires to do His will.

He loves to stuff me with yummy food.

Chivalry at its finest. Seriously, I didn't know guys like him still existed. Or, at least that one of them could become a reality in my life.

He always leaves me better off than he's found me, every day.

Art. Drawing, painting, sculpting. Did I mention he's sculpting me an elephant because they're my favorite animal?

He accepts the fact that I wear a grandma nightgown to bed pretty much every night.

I can be silly and goofy and sad and pensive all in the same day without him questioning my sanity. At least,  not out loud;)

There is nothing I have done or could ever do that would make him judge me or think less of me.

He is a champion thumb wrestler but sometimes he lets me win just to be nice.

He cares about what is important to me. He helps me study and asks about my family and always puts what I want first.

He's helping me be more informed on the issues our world faces. We watched the Republican debate once. It was romantic.

He comes to dinner at my grandpa's every week with us. Who does that?  Only the kindest of souls.

If he's reading this, he's probably slightly uncomfortable with the amount of compliments. And I know he doesn't see even half of these qualities in himself.

But they are there, and how grateful I am that I have come to know his kind heart.

He just gets me.

Oh how I've missed him.

"Since you won't find perfection in him and he also won't find it in you, your only chance of perfection will be in becoming perfect TOGETHER." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf-

Elephants <3

Love is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship. 

To the twenty-one year old who thinks she's got it figured out

Hey you.

Remember when you wanted to be a physical therapist?  Then conveniently switched to psychology, because I mean,  those are quite similar.  What?  And now you absolutely love your human development professor. Good thing you have options. Who knows what they're majoring in at age 21 anyway?

Guess what?  Frustrating as it may be,  it's OK that you don't know yet. You're not alone.

On a side note, knowing you, you're probably wishing Prince Charming would waltz right in and walk with you on such a beautiful fall evening.

*Prince Charming: if you're reading this, thank you in advance for supporting my obsession with herbal tea,  rom-coms, late night walks, and good books.

 Oh, and also for letting me be totally and completely myself with all the sides: The extrovert who loves to dress up, go to movies, run through the sprinklers, and get super competitive playing banana grams.  And also the introvert that sometimes stays in on Friday's to read, drink hot cocoa, and write blog posts, all while wearing sweats and a hat. And who could forget the analyst in me that ponders e v e r y t h i n g and asks intuitive questions,  expects intuitive answers, and listens intuitively. Thank you for being a gem. That's all.*

Wow.  Amiright?  I would say that the reason being 21 is the best and the worst is because the world is at your feet.  Endless opportunities,  life-changing decisions, all while making next to nothing and living off of tortillas."It was the best of times, and the worst of times" has never been so true, for me at least.

You know what? Why do we worry so much?

Worrying is a disease.  

I can worry about 20 things all at the same time; finances, my major, the boy I kissed last weekend, do my socks match, etc. etc.

STOP IT.

Life has a way of working itself out. 

And If we stop worrying and give it a chance to do so, all the stars will align and we will end up where we're supposed to be with who we need to be with.  End of story. Period.

Well that felt good.

So, basically,  you still have none of the "Big stuff" figured out.

And you're still eating lots of tortillas.

But at least you have some wonderful (and not so wonderful)  memories. The latter are the lessons, in case you were wondering.

Life is beautiful. 

The world is yours.  

There will be better dinners than tortillas and herbal tea.

But enjoy this moment because it will never come back. And when there are no more tortillas there will be plenty of macaroni and kiddos to take care of, and maybe you'll miss these simpler days sometimes.You will never be the same as you are right now.

There is always hope.

Aubrey

P.S. some of my favorite lessons and moments since being 21: 

DON'T SETTLE. God has some wonderful gifts waiting to be opened by you if you will wait and trust Him. I know, it's hard. But I also know, that I've received some of my most favorite, most cherished gifts this year. 

Do not put it on anyone or anything else to make you happy. YOU are in charge of that. Do whatever you need to do to get there. And be aware that sometimes that might mean allowing yourself to feel the whole spectrum of human emotions when unfortunate things happen. Let yourself feel all of that, and then remind yourself that you deserve to feel all the happy ones too. 

Being realistic is important. Being positive is powerful. Being cynical is a waste of time, every time. 

I've found this to be more than true. We all need our rest and can only go full speed for so long. Take care of yourself. 

Taking care of myself this month meant I took a weekend to go far away and ride a horse. It was slightly scary at first because the last time I rode I was 12 and got bucked off, but let me tell you something: IT WAS AWESOME. I loved it. It was exactly what I needed. So go find your 'horse,' whatever that may be in your life. You'll be glad you did. 

Family. They are my world not just now but forever. 

People will always always always be more important than anything else. I mean it; grades, money, work, anything. Make time for the people that you love and you will find life to be a much richer experience. 

It's not because I didn't love him

I love love.


I love to love and be loved.

But what about when two people love each other but it just doesn't work out?

Or when you're the only one loving but not being loved in return?

I've learned that you can care about someone so much, but sometimes,  that caring you crave  is simply not reciprocated.  They may even feel similarly about you, and still not show you the attention and concern you deserve.

Guess what? 

You can, as I have,  go on denying how much it hurts and continue to give give give without anyone giving back.  You can try to fix it and talk it out and pray that it works.

Sometimes,  it can be fixed.

And other times,  it should not be, cannot be, will not be. 


This is not to say that many relationships will not work out. Many of them do! And how grateful I am that they do.

All I'm saying is that if ever there comes a time when you are afraid to ask for more in life because it's too scary, or because you don't feel you deserve better, remember that THOSE ARE LIES. 

Y o u   a r e   e n o u g h.

Right now, in this moment. And you deserve to be treated as such.

That's why I've decided to move on from my current situation where I don't feel 100% happy or valued. We've talked and struggled and in the end we agreed we will be happier apart in the long run.

I deserve more, and so does he, honestly. He is enough and I am enough and at the moment our worlds are not meant to be intertwined. 

But it's not because I don't love him. 

I DO love him. So much. He's my best friend and my inspiration to be better. He is coming home at the end of a long day. He is safe.

But he is not mine to have.

And it's awful.

I never ever imagined myself in this situation. When two people love each other, isn't it supposed to just work? Wedding bells and friday night movies and pizza and trips to exotic places and stuff? Why can't we just force it?

Because love is not forced.

The moment you find yourself begging, pleading, sacrificing to be loved, it's wrong. Run. 

Spend time with those people that want you completely.

You deserve to be chased, wanted, and cherished.

I've been struggling to believe that. But I want to.
And I'm scared. Out of my mind.
Is there really someone out there that can accept the offering of my whole heart and give back completely?
Will he adore my crazy outfits and dancing in the kitchen? Can he stand my changes in mood and over-zealous approach to life?

The answer is yes. Whoever he is, he will. I know it.

There is always hope.

Aubrey

This is my fight; this is my gift.

I'M AWAKE.  

But I can't get out of bed.  

I'm paralyzed. 

Paralyzed by fear.

Fear of what? 

I don't know.  

The alarm goes off for the 3rd time.  

WHY CAN'T YOU GET UP?? 

I scream at myself through the tears of frustration.  

YOU HAVE A JOB AND CLASS AND YOU'RE FALLING BEHIND.  GET IT TOGETHER. 

As hard as I try, I simply can't get my body to do what my mind commands.  

So many thoughts. Racing through my head.  

Countless things to do, and no motivation to do them.  

Confusion.  Sadness.  Worry.  Anger.  

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  

Maybe if I sleep.  Yeah,  sleep will help. 

I'M AWAKE.  

The pain remains. The worry worsens. The fatigue is more striking than before.

Few things help: exercise, reading, time with those I love. 

Sometimes they help and sometimes they don't.  

Sometimes nothing helps.  

Then I remember.  

God. 

He helps.  

He understands. 

He listens.

He is by my side when I let Him be there. 

My heart stops beating so hard.  I feel my body relax. My mind quits racing. I am at peace.  

And for one more moment, I have been comforted and sustained by He who loves me most.

Angels are sent to lift me up and hold me when I am in need.

You all know who you are. <3

This is my fight. This is my gift. I have learned much from this opportunity I never expected to have. 

And truly it is an opportunity; to be refined each day;  to have sympathy and kindness towards those who struggle with mental and emotional health; to teach and be taught, love and be loved, serve and be served.  

It is hard. It is absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.  

But I keep going.  Because life is worth living, even though it's far from perfect.  

I fully believe that one day all of our tears will be dried,  and we will be completely healed from all types of sickness and trial.

This is what clinical depression and anxiety looks like for me.

Nearly 20% of our U.S. population suffers from some form of anxiety or depression, or both. 

That percentage is even greater when considering mental illnesses in general.

Let us be kind to others. 

Let us be kind to ourselves.

You are so loved. I am so loved. And this life is so worth living.

There is always hope.

Aubrey

"We are not 

       shallow people

              if we 
                       struggle." 

Project #selflove.

I love makeup.

Seriously. 

And dressing up and trying out new stuff with my hair. 

But I also love having beach hair, a clean face, and being able to rub my eyes without smearing black everywhere. 

Is it wrong to wear makeup? Absolutely not. 

Is it unacceptable to NOT wear it? 

Your first answer is 'No, of course not!'

But think about it; society has trained us to believe otherwise. 

Magazines, movies, ads, everywhere, all the time. They teach us that we are not beautiful if we are not 'done up.' 

So I did a little experiment.

I thought, what if I could see both looks (natural and with makeup) side by side? 

It was weird. And somehow liberating. 

When I finished, I looked at that mirror for a long, long time. 

And you know what? The strangest thing happened. 

There was no side that was "more beautiful" than the other to me. 

Just different. 

I didn't think that the makeup was too much or that the natural needed more. 

I was just me. And it felt like coming home.

Now I feel much more confident no matter which look I choose to show the world, knowing that I am loved and accepted by myself no matter what. 

Let us love ourselves a little more and be kind to everyone on our journey to #selflove. 

There is always hope. 

Aubrey