Today, I Cried.

Today, I cried. 

Cried because I had been on my feet for 12+ hours caring for my baby and a friend's baby.

Cried because my husband is gone and I miss him. (Shout out to all the single moms and dads because that has to be the hardest gig out there).

Cried because today brought what seemed to be endless loads of laundry and dishes.

Cried because dinner was pastrami sandwiches instead of soup and pretzel rolls.

Cried because nothing in my closet fits me the way I want it to.

Cried because my daughter still wakes up 2-4 times a night and I haven't had more than 5-6 hours of sleep at a time for nearly 8 months (and that's on a really good night).

Cried because we live in a temporary home with sheets, couches, and kitchen bowls that are not our own.

Cried because I miss the mountain air and cooler temperatures.

Today, I cried. 

Cried because motherhood is magic and I am so grateful for my precious girl.

Cried because the Air Force takes such good care of us.

Cried because I have a husband who works so hard and loves us beyond words.

Cried because my body has carried a child and created a life, and that's pretty amazing.

Cried because I was able to get in some joyful movement by going on a run.

Cried because I found a blogger (immaeatthat.com) who puts into words everything that I feel about motherhood and living a fulfilling life.

Cried because pastrami sandwiches are delicious (especially at 10 pm when you realize you haven't eaten anything since 3).

Cried because I have warm pajamas and comfortable blankets to wrap myself in at the end of a long day.

Today, I cried. And it was needed and good.

The Reason We Fight

There’s been an accident.

These are four words a pilot’s wife never wants to hear. Any wife, for that matter.

After hearing such a statement, your heart drops and you pray that your husband isn’t involved.

Please, don’t let it be him.

And then, you pray for those who have been affected by the tragedy, unable to comprehend the absolute horror of going through something like this. You would not wish it on anyone, and wonder why tragedies  like this happen in the first place.

After all, you’ve seen the hours your husband has put into studying checklist after checklist, to be absolutely certain of a safe flight. Only you see firsthand the time and energy he invests to ensure that he is perfect in performance in order to avoid any mishaps. Repeating those words verbatim, stating that he needs to be 100% accurate because lives are at stake.

He calms your fears by reassuring you of the safety measures taken, and the ejection seats meant to save lives in dire situations.

You believe him.

You let him go out that door every day in his flight suit, trusting that he will come back to you, because the alternative is to live in fear and worry.

When a tragedy occurs  in the military, the whole community hurts. We are in this together. We know  the pride, the joy, and the sacrifice of serving our country as a unit. The active duty members and their families alike feel connected by this bond. And when we lose one of our own, although we may not have known them personally, there is absolute respect and solidarity.

Neither my husband nor I have family members who have been a part of the military before us. This is new territory for me. I have met some of the most wonderful people during our short time in the Air Force. I have felt the undeniable strength that  comes when individuals are united in such a noble cause. I give thanks for their sacrifices, knowing that the sacrifices I make are minuscule compared to those who are face to face with war, wherever they may be and in whatever capacity.

It is this gratitude for their sacrifice and the need for our freedoms to be protected that allow me to watch my husband leave every day. He continues to fight for the children who feel unsafe at night, and the widows who can’t sleep. He fights for the soldier beside him, and for those families who have given the ultimate sacrifice. He fights and he flies for those who hurt and those who dream.

He fights for all of us.

Love is Only Found When You Give It Away

Motherhood 

A million milk stains on your bed sheets from night feedings.

You are the first one to wake, and the last to fall asleep each day. 

Crawling back into the covers multiple times, knowing that you will be up again in a few short hours. 

Never setting alarms because your baby knows when she’s hungry and will most certainly wake you.

Changing outfits (both yours and hers) up to four times each day and countless loads of laundry. 

Endlessly rocking, patting, and burping, praying those little eyes close so you can both sleep. 

Reading books and singing songs to help a young mind learn. 

Letting your food sit while you meet her needs first. Now you understand why ‘momma bear’s’ porridge was always cold. 

Counting fingers and toes and marveling at big beautiful eyes, wondering how a human being could be so perfect. 

Worrying and then trying not to worry so much. 

Imagining the next phase, yet finding grace and gratitude in the present. 

Learning to take life as it comes and accept what you cannot change. 

Enjoying every single smile, no matter how small. 

Wondering how you could ever do this again, and just as quickly wondering how could you not? 

As I wake for the fourth time tonight, I remind myself that milk stains mean I am able to feed my baby, and that is a precious gift. 

I am grateful for knowing that she knows she can wake me when she needs me. 

Loads of laundry allow for beautiful outfits and playing lots of dress up with my real life baby doll. 

Rocking in this chair for hours gives me time for reflection

. These moments are fleeting, and never again will she be so dependent on me to be comforted. 

I think of all the memories we will create from reading favorite books and singing songs. 

Microwaves allow me to heat up the cold food that sits and waits for me. 

You see, mothers do so much for their children, and those sacrifices teach us, shape us, and refine us. 

Perhaps we learn more from them than they ever learn from us.

Clothes can be washed, food can be heated, and you will sleep again someday.

Strength is found in doing what you have never done. 

Love is found in the giving and in the sacrifice. 

When you love your home or your car, you clean it, fix it, and take care of it. The effort put in strengthens the love you have, and the cycle continues. 

Children were meant to cause some sacrifice, for therein lies the love, and the love creates the strength to continue giving.

It is the love of a parent for their child that will change the world. It can heal the hurting heart, and create tiny souls who feel safe, brave, and strong. 

My prayer is to love so fiercely that my daughter will stand for the good and rise up when she falls. 

I pray that my love will spark in her the desire to one day become a mother, and realize how truly sacred that role is.

And when she awakes to a baby’s cry with tired eyes, that she will scoop that baby up into open arms and understand what a privilege it is to sacrifice, and what a gift it is to love. 

The gifts of pregnancy at Christmas time

I look down at my swollen feet as I lay in bed, hoping they will deflate so I can feel less embarrassed about their appearance in public.

But before I reach my feet I observe every stretch mark and bit of cellulite that have politely appeared  in the past 7 weeks when I thought I wouldn’t have any.

My mind races with the millions of things I want to get done before she comes. Freezer meals, organizing the nursery one last time, and cleaning every inch of my house. My body is begging for sleep, but my insomniac mind does not oblige.

Well, since I’m up, I might as well use the bathroom for the 5th time tonight. I grab some tums for the heartburn, and get up slowly because, well, moving is a struggle.

I breathe through a contraction and my stomach decides to empty all of its contents into the toilet. I’m not really sure why, but this has been happening more frequently lately. I wonder if I’ll spend all of real labor throwing up as well as having contractions. That could be interesting.

Breakfast is made pretty much every day for my pilot husband, but dinner is a struggle.

I live in yoga pants and the biggest t shirts in my closet. Jeans, if I wear them, last about two hours before I peel them off and say “never again will I subject myself to such torture.”

This is my life at 39 weeks of pregnancy.

But this is also my life at 39 weeks of pregnancy:

I run my fingers through the beautiful clothes in the nursery closet, so grateful for our support system and anxious to see my little girl in these outfits.

I marvel at how amazing the human body is, able to create and nourish life. Yes, my body looks different. But these differences have allowed the creation of a small baby girl, and that is incredible.

I get to make hot chocolate every day, sit by my Christmas tree in my slippers, and I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

Constantly I imagine what she will look like, what she will sound like, and what her little (or big) personality will be.

Spencer and I spend a lot of time doing simple activities, like watching Christmas movies, talking, cuddling, and just being. He has been my biggest support and greatest friend.

The last weeks of pregnancy have allowed me to slow down and to focus on the things of greatest value to me in my life.

We have not placed as much focus on presents or grand Christmas activities, and that has given us time to appreciate one another and our Savior.

Having Christmas Eve as my due date has helped me ponder the Savior and His mother Mary. I have thought often of her long journey to deliver her Son. I’m sure she felt anxious, tired, sick, and unsure of what was to come. But I bet she also felt excitement to meet Him, gratitude for the privilege of being His mother, and strength from on high.

I also wonder if she felt alone. On that quiet night in Bethlehem, I believe many prayers were said by her and for her. Joseph her rock, providing as much comfort as he could for his sweet young wife. And the angels above, giving light and strength to Mary as she embarked on the journey of motherhood.

I don’t know when this baby will come. Waiting has been hard, mainly because of the discomforts of pregnancy. But I will wait, and I will pray, and I will enjoy this quieter time of life with the husband I love.

Together we can reflect on Mary and Joseph bringing the Son of God into the world. And we can be grateful that we also have been given the gift to be parents to a spirit daughter of God.

The Love of a Mother: She is so worth it.

I have reached that point in pregnancy where my belly can't be hidden and it's getting harder and harder to reach down to tie my shoes, which is why I mostly wear flip flops. None of my jeans fit anymore. It is not just my belly that has grown. My whole body seems to have expanded every which way. I have not gone on a jog or done any intensive cardio in months. My eating habits aren't terrible, but I do enjoy chocolate pretty much every day. We recently took some family pictures, and I honestly could not believe that that was how I looked. I have only put on about 12 pounds since the beginning of this pregnancy, but my body looks swollen as if it has gained 25 pounds or more.

It may seem petty or shallow to share these things. I do not mean to put myself down or ask for pity. Simply put, writing helps me release so many emotions and work through them. It is therapeutic to feel my hands on this keyboard.

Today I was talking with Spencer about all these changes in my body. He has been so supportive and loving and I cannot thank him enough for that. As I was talking about my body changing for our little girl, he said, "yes, but she is so worth it." And he is absolutely right. I think of all the mothers who have gone before me, and all who will become mothers after me. Every experience is different. But there is one thing we all share: loving sacrifice.

I hope that in the next few months, and throughout my life, I can look at the ways pregnancy has changed my body, and see them as 'the love of a mother.' I have not yet met our daughter in this mortal life, but I love her. I pray for her every day, and for her well-being. I pray that my body can be a safe haven for her to grow. And I try to prepare myself and our home for the day she arrives. There is something much more divine taking place right now than the gaining of a few pounds and some stretch marks. A spirit daughter of Heavenly Father is coming to our home. And I would do anything for her, including allowing my body to change in the ways it needs to so that she can develop well.

I want to thank some fellow women who have graciously shared their closets of maternity clothes with me. Having cute clothes that fit helps me feel so much better, and I am grateful to them for understanding that. I plan to pay that forward in the future.

So for now, my new mantra is to do what I can and accept the rest regarding my body. I am not the perfect example of health and wellness, and I still have 3 more months for my body to change in ways that are somewhat unpredictable to me. But I will do what I can, and try to practice gratitude for the marvelous gift it is to bring life into this world. She is so worth it.

Diary of an Air Force Wife: The First 6 Months

I have been married to my sweetheart for just over a year. For the first 7 1/2 months of our marriage, we were blessed to live in Colorado, a place we have both come to love. My family lived close, and we had many connections there. Spencer worked a normal day job at the Air Force Academy, and came home to me every day around the same time. Sometimes we even met up for lunch. So, while my husband was undoubtedly an active duty member of the Air Force, our life felt normal and I didn't truly feel like an 'Air Force Wife' quite yet. We could take leave (vacation) whenever we wanted, and when he came home from work, he was home.

In March of this year, we packed up our tiny apartment, our first place together. We made the trek from Colorado Springs, down to Del Rio, Texas, where Spencer is completing pilot training to be an Air Force Pilot. I am incredibly proud to be his wife, and to support him in this endeavor.

The other day, I thought about all I have learned and experienced in the past 6 months since leaving our safe little life and moving here. It dawned on me, that every wife must feel similar feelings when moving to a new place, whether in the Air Force or not. I would like to share a few of my experiences, feelings, and lessons learned with anyone who feels they are in the same adventurous boat.

Also, I must preface this with the knowledge I have that every family makes sacrifices. We are not superior in any way as a Military family. Many mothers and fathers spend time away from home. Children are uprooted from school and friends due to job changes and other circumstances. Work is hard, life can be complicated, and every couple goes through times when one must carry the other.

Most importantly, we are all growing, and we all experience both joys and sorrows. Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given to grow and change for the better. So, with that, here goes-

Diary of an Air Force Wife: 

March 24th, 2017 
Well, we have made it to Del Rio, TX! It has been a busy and stressful week, but we've handled it pretty well. Yesterday I turned 23, and Spencer made it so special for me. Made me breakfast, got me tacos for lunch, and 'golden' yellow roses for my golden birthday with a card that brought me to tears. Then we went to a restaurant in town for dinner and got free cheesecake :) Afterwards we came home and took our new chocolate lab puppy, Rio, to play at the dog park. I love our little family. 23 will truly be golden.

April 13th 2017
I recently decided to start teaching piano lessons here in our home on base, and Spencer has helped that idea become a reality.

April 23rd, 2017
We found out a few days ago that we are expecting a baby. It has been a bit of a shock but also a sweet experience knowing that our purpose on this Earth and into the Eternities continues to be fulfilled.

May 5th, 2017
Pregnancy has been amazing, difficult, humbling, and somewhat scary. The first 5 weeks were not filled with severe symptoms. But week 6 hit me like a freight train. I feel nausea all day long and can't keep anything down. My sweet husband gave me a blessing. It is kind of scary to know that I have a living thing inside me that depends on me for everything. But then I remember that babies have been born for thousands of years with significantly less medical knowledge and tools. My body is meant to do this. Heavenly Father has a perfect plan. And with Spencer by my side, we can do anything.

May 9th, 2017
I don't really feel like myself, and I think that's been hard on Spencer too. I want to be happy and joyful, but that's hard to do when I'm puking in a toilet. The dishes have been in the sink for the past 2 days. Overall, I'm pretty sad and grumpy. So I decided to try and change my mindset. I can't change how sick or tired I am, but I can change my focus from myself to others and the Savior.

May 10th, 2017 
I am grateful for the few hours I had today where I felt like myself again. Spencer and I put on some music, made dinner, and I danced around the house. It was wonderful, for both of us.

May 11th, 2017 
I am grateful for trials. They are teaching me to ask for help, and also to look outside of myself and help others. I think in this life I need to learn how to do both of those. 

May 13th, 2017
The people here in Del Rio are great. The are so kind, and they make living here fun.

May 15th, 2017
Today was a really hard day. I missed home and the familiarity of the people I love and even the stores in Colorado that we don't have here. I talked with Spencer tonight about it, and he said he's felt some similar feelings. We don't really feel like we belong here yet. I cried a lot and he held me. We are growing together.

May 30th, 2017 
Today I discovered a little Mexican bakery in town and I loved it. The culture here is so fun. We went to Arizona for memorial day to visit the Baldwins. I am grateful for my relationship with them, and that it continues to grow. And most of all, I am grateful for Spencer. I have been so sick during this pregnancy, and he has not complained once. I am trying to be as encouraging as I can during this stressful time of pilot training.

June 4th, 2017
We were able to attend the Gila Valley temple when we went to Arizona, which is the first time we've been able to attend a temple since moving here. It was so wonderful to be inside the Lord's house. Even though this move and pregnancy has been difficult, I was reminded of all we have been blessed with. The gospel is true, and all that we suffer here will be recompensed in the Eternities. I love my Savior, I love my husband, and I love our little one on the way. We have been so very blessed in this life.

June 6th, 2017 
We knew being in Del Rio would be somewhat difficult due to pilot training. However, we did not anticipate me being pregnant and having a puppy at the same time as Spencer going through this rigorous program.

I am grateful to say that we have turned toward one another rather than against each other. We rely on one another and the Lord more often and more heavily than before. I am learning to create my own life and be more independent while Spencer is gone during long days. I am also learning how to be the best, most encouraging cheerleader I can be for him. 

June 17th, 2017
Two days ago Spencer completed his solo flight in the T-6 aircraft. That means he got to take the plane up by himself and fly for awhile. It was such a privilege for me to watch. He looked so great, and my heart was bursting with pride. It was one of the highlights of my life thus far.

July 4th, 2017 
We loved having the  Baldwins come to visit us for the past few days. We had so much fun out at the lake! I am grateful for such wonderful in-laws.

July 18th, 2017 
My belly continues to grow, along with the rest of me. We spoiled ourselves in San Antonio for our 1 year anniversary this weekend. Spencer is truly my best friend. He is so good to me.

July 25th, 2017 
It's a girl! I never want to forget today. Being there with Spencer at the ultrasound appointment and marveling at this tiny human that I have the privilege to carry. Today I felt close to heaven as we watched our little girl kick and move her tiny fingers and toes. God is so good.

August 14th, 2017
I just returned from a trip home to Colorado to see my family. I cried as I passed the 'Entering Colorado' state sign, and absolutely loved being there. There is something special about that place for me. I have to admit though, being away from Spencer that long felt like a part of me was missing. Coming home to him was so sweet.

August 18th, 2017
A fellow Air Force wife recently told me that it takes about 6 months to adjust to your new move; to meet some friends and make connections, know your way around, and create a few memories so that it feels more like home. Tomorrow, we will hit our 6 month mark since moving here. And I can honestly say, we are happy to be here. Del Rio is not our dream destination for retirement, but it has become a sacred place to us because of the experiences we have shared. We love the people here, and feel blessed to associate with such wonderful people in and outside of the Air Force. Not every day is bliss, but that's just life. Overall, life here is good, because we have chosen to make it so. 


LESSONS LEARNED: 

1. Create a life for yourself. Your husband will be gone a lot, and your life will be much more fulfilling if you pursue hobbies, initiate outings with friends, and fill your days with things you enjoy. Try new things, and go to Air Force events or other activities even when you don't feel like it. You will be surprised at who you can become friends with, but you have to put yourself out there.

2. Appreciate each place for what it has to offer. Del Rio, Texas will never be Colorado Springs, Colorado, because it is not meant to be. There are things here that we do not have in Colorado, and I have learned to appreciate those things. Get out and explore! Even if you feel there is nothing to explore, I can promise you there is. It may just be a different type of exploring, like a lake with desert all around it and a Mexican bakery instead of mountain hikes.

3. Cherish your time with your husband. Support him. Put on a smile when he comes home, even if it's been a crappy day. He needs your love, and he needs your smile. Do not spend the short amount of time you have together complaining or criticizing him or anyone else. Enjoy the little things in life, like eating dinner together, and going on a walk or watching a show. And when you can, get away for a date night or a short trip. Those will put life into your marriage and let you take a break from the everyday routine.

4. Allow yourself to have sad days. But also allow yourself to have good days. You will miss your friends, family, and the Target down the road. You will miss your favorite restaurant, and the mountains. That's okay, and it's totally normal. Just make sure you also allow yourself to see the good in the new people and places around you. Realize that better days are coming, and you might even learn to love certain things about this place that you will miss in the next place.

Becoming through His Grace

At the beginning of my mission, I felt that my success came as a result of doing. While that is true in part, and action is needed to be successful, Heavenly Father cares much more about who we are becoming. Consider this quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks: “From such teachings we conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become” (The Challenge to Become, Dallin H. Oaks).

            As I evolved as a missionary, I began to understand these words from Elder Oaks and clung to them. I was by no means a perfect missionary. I do not think there has ever been a perfect missionary save Jesus Christ. However, I learned that regardless of my success with outward measurements (baptisms, lessons, etc.), the Lord cares more about how I treat others and serve them. As Preach My Gospel states in chapter one, “You can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when you feel the Spirit working through you.”

            I believe the same is true of repentance and becoming more repentant. The Lord does not keep a tally of the number of times we mess up. However, I do believe that He is very aware of the condition of our hearts and how willing we are to turn unto Him and repent again.

            Like all human beings, I struggle with making the same mistakes over and over. As I have progressed spiritually throughout my life, I have noticed that the number of times I commit these specific sins has decreased. I feel that as I have been more aware of this goal, I am more committed to keeping it because I love my Heavenly Father. I want to become like Him. I desire, more than anything, to live with Him and with my eternal family in the Celestial Kingdom one day. I realize that in order to get there, I do not have to be perfect, but a certain amount of effort on my part is required.

            A favorite talk of mine is “His Grace is Sufficient,” by Brad Wilcox. Brother Wilcox explains that when we repent, we are not paying the demands of justice. Jesus Christ already did that. Because of His sacrifice, we will all be resurrected, and we will all be able to live forever. “What is left to be determined by our obedience is what kind of body we plan on being resurrected with and how comfortable we plan to be in God’s presence and how long we plan to stay there."

            I had never thought of repentance this way. I am not trying to ‘pay my way’ into Heaven. I am simply trying to become the best saint I can so that I can be with my Father in Heaven and my family. Plus, Brother Wilcox says that “the miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can live after we die but that we can live more abundantly.”

            Over the past few months, I have thought about why I am trying to better myself and improve. I’ve decided that it is because I am happiest when I am living the gospel. I feel most fulfilled when I am progressing forward, moving closer to my Heavenly Father.

            There are others who simply choose not to live the way Heavenly Father would hope. While that is sad, we all have the choice to act. Brother Wilcox says of individuals in this situation, “Heaven will not be heaven for those who have not chosen to be heavenly.”

            So many times I have thought to myself, “If only I were better, I would make it into the celestial kingdom.” But I am not meant to check every item off of a checklist to make it into heaven. I need to continue to change my heart, be quick to repent, and quick to resist sin.

           Brad Wilcox states: 

“In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus.

Jesus checks His clipboard and says, “Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.”

Brad begs Jesus, “Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.” That’s how I always saw it.

But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”’

            I have a testimony of repentance. I have felt the Lord’s Atonement changing me for the better as I have sincerely prayed to be changed. I want to be with Him, and become like Him. I desire to dedicate my life to His work so that I can have a place with Him in the eternities. Not because I have ‘earned’ it, but because I feel comfortable in His presence. Because I have fought to change amidst the challenges of mortal life.

            I see repentance as a more joyful process now, and not a burden. It is such a gift to be able to change and progress for the better. I love my Savior, and I will try to show that better as I live my life.