On Being Enough

1/05/16

I will be enough when...

I run a marathon

I graduate with a 4.0 GPA

I weigh what I did in high school

I'm married to the perfect man

My clothes are trendy and stylish every day

I have no cellulite on my legs or pimples on my face

My hair grows out to the length I want

I can be financially secure in everything

I am accepted and approved of by everyone

Welcome to Aubrey's continuous train of thought. It is a serious challenge to not allow society to make me feel less than due to my physical appearance, achievements (or lack thereof), or material possessions. No matter what I achieve, society throws in my face lists of things that I have yet to accomplish.



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9/20/16

Aside from being married to a wonderful man, I haven't achieved any of that list up there.  

*I left this post unfinished because I couldn't find the words to do so. Above are the thoughts of a twenty-one year old girl who didn't understand that she already was enough. And at twenty-two, she still is.

I am enough because

I am a daughter of the Most High God.

I have divinity inside me and the potential to become as He is. 

I desire to improve, and on the days that I fail miserably, that desire remains. 

My worth is not defined by the standards of the world. 

I have unique gifts and talents, even if I do not always realize them.

My Savior Jesus Christ believes in me and helps me up every time I fall. 

My Father trusts me to be a wife and a mother in this uncertain world. 

On my worst days and my best days and every day in between, my identity does not change. My worthiness does not determine my worth. 


Now, nine months can make an insurmountable impact on one's perspective. However, while I have been working at seeing myself as the second version of 'enough,' there are still plenty of hard days. Days where I cry to my husband because I want to be a better cook, house cleaner, sewer, master of productivity, and a more fun, spiritual, and beautiful wife for him. 

Thankfully, I have a wonderful, understanding husband who realizes that I am still growing and progressing. I am so grateful for his kindess and love. 

Besides, it is absolutely ridiculous to expect myself to do it all, and to do it all right now. But I do what I can. Rather, we do what WE can. Me, him, and God. And together, we are stronger than apart. We still don't get everything done. Our home is not always spotless. Sometimes my meals burn or don't turn out quite right. I often would rather read and write blog posts than do my online school work. I'm not always thrilled to do all that I am expected to do. 

But this I have learned: On our good days, and our bad days, we are children of a merciful, loving Father. He loves us whether the lasagna turned out just right or the pizza is burnt. He loves us when we achieve our goals and when we do not. And more than that, He love us in all the in betweens. And His love is what motivates me to get back up, and try again. 

We are a process, and in the grand scheme of eternity, there are no deadlines. 

In eternity, there is "to try or not to try." There is "I will accept my identity as a child of God, and continually try to live that way," or "I will deny my infinite value and worth to Him by wanting to live up to impossible worldly standards, instead of accomplishing who HE wants me to be." 

I personally believe that we each have very different, distinct paths to walk. And while our paths will cross with others, we do not need to look at their path and try to do what they are doing. Because we were not meant to be them, we were meant to be us. 

As I turn to my Heavenly Father and ask Him what He would have me do, I am much less worried about what others expect of me. I can be confident in the fact that I am really trying to please Him and become who I am meant to be on this Earth and in the life to come. 

There is always hope.

Aubrey 



“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” 
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” 
― Brené Brown

Less really is more

Buy this, buy that. 

You can't be beautiful or attractive without it. Go ahead, you deserve it. Just swipe your card.

Since a young age, I have been taught in the consumer world that bigger is in fact better, and more truly means more. 

However, frugality and thrift have proven time and time again this simple truth:

Less really is more.

It is beneficial to both the individual and the family to save, to avoid and eliminate debt, and to prepare for times of need that will, not may, come.

This quote from Elder L. Tom Perry sums up quite nicely the dilemma we live in today:

"The current cries we hear coming from the great and spacious building tempt us to compete for ownership in the things of this world. We think we need a larger home, with a three-car garage, a recreational vehicle parked next to it. We long for designer clothes, extra TV sets, the latest model computers, and the newest car. Often these items are purchased with borrowed money, without giving any thought to providing for our future needs. The result of all this instant gratification is overloaded bankruptcy courts and families that are far too preoccupied with their financial burdens."

Living within my means in college has taught me that the clothes, electronics, and other purchases that I so desperately want, are not what i need. 

Most importantly, I've learned that these things do not bring lasting peace. While a new toy or delicious burger may be nice to have in the moment, they will not heal my heart or help me progress on to bigger and better things. 

This is not to say that we should avoid purchasing anything or never allow ourselves to be treated. However, using discretion is important in deciding what to purchase and when. Making sure I have the funds to buy what I need first before satisfying my wants creates a greater sense of peace and security in my life and diminishes fears.

I have learned that the three most loving words are “I love you,” and the four most caring words for those we love are “We can’t afford it" - Robert D. Hales 

The Beginning of Better Days

I've been here before. 

It's painfully familiar. The sting of past heartbreak chills and captivates me. It's a dangerous place to be, but I stay for a little while anyway. Maybe it will be different this time, I tell myself, knowing all too well that it will not, cannot be.

Here comes the shame. The shame of knowing that I deserve more. The shame of knowing that this 'black key' in my life's composition has already been played many times, and I am in desperate need of a new melody.

I try to convince myself that I do not feel; I do not want to feel.The raw fear, sadness, and anger threaten to invade. I refuse to let them. I refuse to feel.

It's just easier not to. 

One of the best and worst parts of being human is feeling. Inexplicable joy, inescapable sorrow, undesirable anger. The feeling of being unwanted, used, or lied to.

But also feeling so loved and accepted in ways you've never felt before, that you didn't even think were possible. 

Why are we so afraid to feel? We distract ourselves mercilessly with small screens, big screens, to-do lists, parties, all to escape the possibility of feeling something, ANYTHING, that could scar us emotionally. 

By doing so, we keep ourselves from enjoying the other side of the spectrum. We're so preoccupied avoiding hurt that we don't allow ourselves to experience joy, acceptance, and love. 

We miss the rain on our skin, the smell of the autumn air, laughter of those we love, a gentle touch, a kind word. It's all too bad, really. We spend our time comparing our seemingly unfulfilled lives to other's perfect pictures which are not an accurate representation of real life.  

Ever seeking the latest trends, popularity, and accomplishments that society promises will bring us happiness, we spend time, money, and energy on these gimmicks. In the end they leave us alone, unfulfilled, less than content. 

True value comes from things that allow us to feel. Relationships with those we love, open and honest conversations, comforting another heart and being comforted ourselves.  

We live in a world of opposites. It was meant to be this way. Only when we come to know sadness can we know completely the joy that we were intended to feel.

So I've decided that i'm going to allow my heart to FEEL. Really, truly feel. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Will it hurt sometimes? Yes. Do I have to like that it hurts? No. Definitely not.

Will I be tempted to run away from anything and everyone that could potentially hurt me? 

Yes. 


I'm so tired of running. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay when it's not. I'm tired of suppressing every negative emotion just because it's not 'acceptable' by social standards to feel sad, or angry, or lonely, or confused. 

Let's be game changers. Remember that feeling something negative doesn't make you unworthy, it makes you human. 

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Allow yourself to feel your way through it; don't suppress anything. Cry, listen to music, write, go for a walk, talk with someone you trust, and thank God that He has given you the privilege to feel.

You are valiant. You are powerful. You are changing. Look ahead with a desire to truly live, to face life head on, without running the other way.

And then realize that this is the beginning of better days to come.  



"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." 

-Oscar Wilde-

There is always hope.

Aubrey

All of these feelings deserve to be heard and validated.
This is one of my all time favorite movies, by the way:)